ode to the younger brother

An ode to the Younger Brother

 

            I’m not sure if you have noticed the resurgence of the younger brother lately, so I have decided to put it in essay form so that you the reader can take notice.  In the past, younger brothers used to be doormats for older brothers, and cruel puching bags for the older brother’s friends.  Ladies and gentleman, the tide has turned.  Don’t believe me, well then its up to me to illustrate to you this ongoing trend.  When I say the name “Steve Whelan” what do you think of?  Immediately, the first things that come to mind are esteemed Dunkin Donuts manager, Pond Hockey extraordinaire, serviceable barber, and a man that puts fun ahead of anything.  I bet half of you had already forgot that Steve is the younger brother of Robby!  How could this happen, how could he have stepped out of the shadow of man so laden with poetic eyes, enormous hands, and a hilarious voicemail.  Well the answer is hard work.  Steve skipped school on February 29^th 2008 (the greatest day in American History besides when Michael Vick is pardoned) to play pond hockey with a cast of all seniors.  Mind you Steve was a junior at the time.  Where was Robby that day, the answer is in school like a total bookworm.  Is that not enough for you, how about the time Steve risked his life catching foul ball at a Rochester Red Wings game, well the likes of Jon Dray watched a foul ball land next to him, but was too preoccupied with his Dip-n-dots to make a play for it.  Reasons like that are why Steve has earned the title “Real Whales” and “The Chosen One.”

            Another great testament to the ever-increasing stature of the younger brother is Eli Manning.  Just kidding, he is totally gay.  The real example is Ryan Granditz.  Its damn near impossible to step out of the shadow of your older brother, especially when your older brother weighs on the plus side of 275 pounds.  But Ryan has passed Scott (Pool Man) Granditz’s JV scoring record (presumably, the 08-09 stats weren’t up on espn.com at the time I was writing this) and his record of chest pumping celebrations following big plays.  Just kidding Scott leads the record book by a handsome sum in that category, with Kevin Garnett being a distant 2^nd.  I’ll never forget the day when Ryan Granditz emerged as a leader, and not a mere younger brother.  Ken West JV was down 2 point to a far superiorly coached Niagara Wheatfield (Just kidding Mr. Meetze, just checking to see if you’re paying attention), and Ryan Granditz came off a double pick to hit a game wining three.  I made up the last part because of my poetic justice, and because I’m not sure what happened at the end of the game actually, because it was a JV basketball game over a year ago, and my mind only has enough room to store Scrubs episodes, every wide receivers alma maters, and my Mom’s birthday (January 9^th), but I am sure of one thing, a double pick was set for Ryan Granditz, making him far and large the first option for that in bounds play.

            I’m hard-pressed to come up with a 3^rd example to prove my thesis, but like I did every critical lens essay, I will do an exhaustive search of my long term memory and find another example.  Oh damn, how could I forget!  Connor Brogan!!!  You might not be familiar with his elder frères, Terry and Brennan, but they are dynamite.  Connor has evolved into a defensive terror on the basketball court, and the terror of fathers with cute daughters.  Which brings me to my main point, why private school girls as a whole are far more attractive than public school girls.  Here is my theory, which I’m sure has already been proven and published, but nonetheless, I’m still impressed with myself for coming up with it.  Private schools require a pretty heavy tuition, meaning that the girl must come from an affluent family.  Naturally, men are smarter and more powerful than women, thus the man is the sole source of income for that family, making him a wealthy man.  What do wealthy men like? Sluts!  What type of sluts? Attractive sluts!  Thus, the affluent man wifes (marries) the attractive slut, and produces one of two things.  A boy, or a girl.  The boy becomes a douchebag, and the girl becomes a smokin’ hot babe.  Smokin’ hot babes from wealthy families can’t go to public school, that would be uncivil.  So there you have it folks, the resurgence of the younger brother.