I usually don't do this

Normally, Jim Abbott doesn't respond to threats, but today I'm going to make an exception.  Gillery picked the wrong time to question my heart with an ultimatum.  I have not blogged in over 2 months it feels like, and it probably has been exactly 2 months since I have been estimating great lately.  Anyways, For Gillery to come at me when I'm down and out, (I just had my wisdom teeth pulled and I haven't had a real meal in 3 days) is unfair.  I know what you all are thinking, "Your fat ass could use a few days of a liquid diet!"  To which I respond with "My abs were recently showing signs of improvement and I was makes strides the all natural way and didn't need an artificial eating disorder to get my washboard back." 

Anyways it has been so long since I delivered my Hemingway-esque pros on this medium that I almost forgot where to start.  Oh that's right, I'M THE KING OF TENNIS AGAIN!!! Not only did Pete Sampras discover that he looks JUST like me, but I discovered the art of carrying a feeble Doubles partner to the trophy altar.  Who did I play doubles with you ask?  Definitely your 14-0 partner Jackson Kocak right?  That guy accents you perfectly, with his galloping backhand and your tidal wave forehand, the tournament would be a breeze.  That's what I said, but Gillery isn't the only proud one who can hold a grudge, I did not ask Jackson since he was sufficiently hung over for our sectionals doubles match last year, costing us the State Title and my chance to FINALLY get noticed by the cheerleaders!!!  Anyways, I went where no man has ever went before, into my ICE contacts, and called my nemesis Kyle Whipple.  After about 24 calls, 14 emails, 10 letters and 3 personal visits, I got a hold of Kyle.  He obliged, and the rest is history.  He even played stellar tennis with and without a goatie... He shaved mid tournament for reasons unknown.  How did I play?  Well despite missing 4 of my favorite teeth for a majority of the tournament, and being on a diet that consisted of 200 calories a day, I was my usual grip it and rip it self.  

I don't want you to think that Gillery forced my hand to write this blog, I did it for you, the reader, because as you know, I do not negotiate with terrorism, and Gillery is a terrorist, always has been.  Despite me being significantly more middle eastern than Gill, he has always been much more of a terrorist than me.  Don't believe me? He totaled his car in an unsuccessful kamakazi mission.  The guy is wild.  Anyways hopefully this blog is sufficient, and Gill and I can get back to what we do best, make folk musiq and cheer on our sorry Mariners.  Goodnight and Goodluck.

Relapse

Hello there, this is Gillery and this is the first time we've seen eachother in months. I don't really owe you an apology but I will apologize for Jimmy being  a big punk lately. The reason for us not making any noise in a while is I vowed to not blog until James Marshall wrote one. His commitment, or lack there of, has made me sick. So while I had all but quit the blog game, something triggered the itch.  Luckily for all of you, I'm having a relapse.

The last time I blogged all over you people I was about to go to visit my bad ass brother Brian in Africa. After visiting Cameroon for 2 weeks, I can honestly say Africa is the second best continent that these eyes have ever seen. Before I went there i was very nervous of what we'd be eating and you'll never believe me but I ate a ton of steak. A lot of peole want to know the best part of Africa was- not only could I order beer at places, they give you a huge bottle of beer. They were almost as big as a 40, it was unreal. Another pleasant suprise about Cameroon was JP Losman is huge there, they love JP and I have no idea why.

If you'd like to know why you aren't getting blog in your eye on Tuesday nights specifically is James Marshall, yours truly, and some close friends are amidst our inaugural PSAS Esquires softball season. We aren't the best team in the league but we by far have the coolest hats.Official New Era fitteds we are looking fresh! And although I've watched Ken Griffey Jr.'s swing around 20 million times, I still am unable to replicate it and it shows in these games. I'd say 90 % of the time I hit in the shortstops area, but thanks to my Freakazoid-like speed and aggressiveness I beat out my share of throws. On offense is not where I make my reputation, I am a stud at second base I snatch up groundballs like I'm playing Hungry Hungry Hippos (Quick side story on Hungry Hungry Hippos. When I was a little Gill, me my siblings and cousins would play it at our grandparents. Our Uncle Dave would play a few games with us and try as hard as he possibly could, curse, carry on drinking, and he even cheated. Uncle Dave is a role model.) Alas the Esquires season is winding down and we fell out of playoff contention, even another gold glove for my defensive prowess doesn't make me feel much better about sitting at home and watching the town of Tonawanda mens softball playoffs.

Let me get back to why I hate Jimmy Abbott. It all started when he ditched me to go downtown on a Thursday night in March. We were supposed to hang out (no homo) for the Syracuse UConn Big East tournament game. I received a text from James apx. 40 minutes before the game that said "I dont think im gonna make it" I wasn't to concerned or upset at the time. I watched the game lonely by myself which may of ended up being for the best. The reason for that is it ended up being the greatest basketball game ever played, I'm not even kidding. There was 6 overtimes and you wanna know what Jimmy was doing? Hitting up downtown B-Lo in his pea-coat, keepin it real at club Pure and the like. I guess thats more important then friendship. Other then being a terrible friend, his party boy ways have clearly gotten in the way of the most serious, important part of his life- this blog. After sitting around for months doing nothing about it, I finally have to set a ultimatum for James Marshall Abbott. Either he write a blog by Friday the 13th (ch-ch, ha-ha) or I'm not driving him to Cleveland on Saturday the 14th. We're going to see the Mariners and if Jimmy doesn't come through, he won't be seeing Ronny Cedeno, who happens to be a clone of Jimmy.

If you read all of this I thank you, it was nice to be back. I'll see all of you on Saturday July 14th at 12:01 to see if James Marshall is offically dead to me, or if he's punched his ticket to Cleveland, Ohio.

Hakuna Matata

Gillery here, blogging in your eye. I'd first like to address a rampant rumor, yes I am going to Africa. Why Africa? I have relatives there, my brother and this girl he married (I forget her name...yikes!) are in the peace corp. I don't really know what they do over there but I'm about to find out. I've never been to Africa but I've seen a ton of Lion King in my prime, so I think we're ready to go.

 I had to go to the doctor and get 4 shots for Africa. FOUR!. They stuck 2 in my arms and 2 in my legs. I'm not saying getting shots hurt but I hate needles. The nurse could see the terror in my eyes when she brought in the needles so she assured me it would be a quick little pinch no pain at all. When she stuck the first needle in my arm I let out a "AAHHHH" the nurse looked at me and I said "I'm just teasing that didn't hurt" she wasn't amused (awkward) When she was sticking more needles in me she apologized for the long wait earlier (I was in the waiting room for at least an hour) because one of the doctors called in sick. I giggled and said "isn't it kind of unacceptable to call in here sick?" once again this lady didn't find me funny, which is rather unusual for a girl not to laugh when I have my shirt off. To top off the long wait, four needles, and the nurse with the strict no laugh policy, they didn't even have lolly-pops (I would of went with orange) plus Mini Mom who also got shots, didn't even take me to Chuck-E-Cheese to make me feel better.

Surviving Africa doesn't end with just a few shots. I start taking malaria pills today. As you all know I don't understand a lot of things (like why do I absolutely love the freecreditreport.com commercials) But heres whats really baffling my huge brain lately, on tube thing my pills are in there is a little sticker that says "Avoid prolonged or excessive exposure to direct and/or artifical sunlight while taking this medication" Am I the only one that sees this as a little ridiculous, I think its going to be a little hard for me to avoid "excessive exposure" to the sun in F'in Africa. It's not even like I was not gonna get burnt over there, considering my skin tone is somewhere in between paper and Jungle Jim Loscutoff. 

I'll be in Africa for two weeks, my return will coincide with the start of Box Car Children Pool Team (BCCPT) season. If you don't know who the BCCPT are maybe Jimmy will write a blog about it. In short we are a dynasty in every sense of the word, our leader Billy Edelin rules with a iron fist, the team chemistry is even better then Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz' was in "What Happens in Vegas" and our skill is purer then Jesus' jumpshot. 

Although I'll be gone I don't think I'll soon be forgotten, and if I am it's only gonna be for two weeks so don't do anything crazy. I will bring you all back gifts, most likely a t shirt that says "My friend wen to Africa and all I got was this Stupid T-Shirt !" but maybe I'll mix it up. Stay thirsty my friends.

Gillery for Super Intendent

My friends, I have been doing some deep thinking about my life and future plans. Other then deciding on a BLT for dinner I have decided to run for Superintendent of the Ken-Ton school district. While I have many things not in my favor to win such as I'm only 19 years old, I have been diagnosed as " very dumb", and I'm skinny... I am instead focusing on what I will do as superintendent

More money invested in school lunch- Although I'm now graduated from Ken West I do miss eating a chicken patty and fries from time to time. I ate that every day for 4 years straight, unless it was taco day (other other thursday) I figured they got the chicken patty and tacos down, but I'd rather lick the floor of a baseball dugout in 9th inning then eat any of the other shit they serve. So I decided were gonna re-do all the cafeterias in Ken Ton and open a Taco Bell, and a Chick-Fil-A.

Strict Drug Policy- I will do away with the D.A.R.E. program that is supposed to keep kids away from drugs. If my students want to fry their brain like their poppa Superintendent Gill, then let them. Hell were even considering setting up a beer vending machine to replace the one machine that never has anything in it besides a few cereal bars. The Coors company is willing to give us a lot of sponsorship deals, so we can get new text books and what not, so I concurred this as a win win.

Immediatley terminate Jim Badgley as Ken West basketball coach- He has all the talent in the world, one time his back court featured me and Jimmy aka blog extrordinares, who does he want Mark "the Shark" Titus (you can google that one) On that same team he had "The Boy Who Never Smiled" as well as Dead F'in Prez' biggest pain the ass Mike Maritato. The only way KW ever does better then 12-8 is if LeBron returns to high school and plays for West. Also Badgley hits his players and one time called me ugly (perhaps he's blind) 

Hire Mr. William Daniels as my assistant- Also known for his role as George Feeny, I think no further explanation is necessary on the subject.

Enforce a strict dress code- In Ken Ton our dress code currently is pretty simple. Don't dress like you work at Rick's Tally-Ho and don't wear any beer T shirts. This will be erased the second I walk into the door as superintendent, from now on all students will be dressed up as their favorite Will Ferrell characterbecause school is a place to learn, not a fashion show.

New curriculum- Theres gonna be a hell of a lot more cartoon watching, and a lot less test taking. The only good thing I ever learned taking tests was how to cheat on them. Through cartoons we can teach the young minds that your only cheating yourself. I see this now that I'm a mature young man and want to share it with the youngans before its to late

So now you see my platform and see how successful the children of Ken Ton are gonna be once Im in office. Theres no doubt in my mind we can finally get Paul Boal out of the Ken Ton school system after about 22 years combined of Paul being at Hoover and Ken West. I also believe I am qualified for the job because I'm one of only a handful of kids to get in school suspension at Ken West as well as Ken East (in summer school) I will also work hand in hand with Kenmore mayor Pat Mang who has been a colleague of mine for quite some time.

Summer To Do List

The other day, I finished school.  It was awesome.  Now that teachers aren't all over me with their stupid rules and stupid assignments, I can finally focus on the important things in life.  I know a lot of people are wondering that since I won't be living with Dr. Jon Dray for 4 months, will I still be able to get the same amount of activities done?  The obvious is answer is a resounding, unequivocal, NO.  I mean we had bunk beds and a PS2, its impossible to recreate that many activities in a 4 month span.  With the place to myself now though, I can finally do the things that I prefer though, like listen to the same classic music song on repeat, watch NBA basketball, and stay up REALLY LATE without getting a dirty look from Jon.  I have high aspirations for this summer seeing as it about twice as long as last summer.  Obviously I would like to do more than 10 things this summer, but if I can't, these would be the 10 things that I would most like to do.

10.) Bury Whipple in tennis in front of all his piers and extended family.  Obviously whenever we play I will bury him, but making sure that all of his aunts and uncles are in attendance are where things get tricky.  Also I don't know who Whipple's piers are, but I will find them.

9.) Have Robby and Tim meet and settle their differences.  It really is getting out of hand, both parties are being stubborn in this quarrel, and like that one scrubs episode, the real winner of this stubborn battle is who can apologize first.  I look forward to see who the winner is.

8.) eat candy

7.) Watch Like Mike

6.) Execute Operation Overall, I'd like to go in to detail her, but me and my confidant cannot give out any more information, but it is going to be glorious.

5.) Get married, It's about time for me to settle down, this wild lifestyle of staying up late and eating ice cream needs to come to an end.

4.) Make sure that whore signs the pre-nup.

3.) Get a Crabtree jersey

2.) Attend Michael Vick's release party on May 20th.  

1.) Attend Michael Vick's release party on May 20th, and not make a scene.  Knowing Vick, this is going to be a BIG party.  I'm assuming performances by Ja Rule for sure, and maybe Celine Dion depending on the acoustics.  Also, the Vick bar is always chalk-full of Stones, I need to know my limit and just enjoy myself.  I don't want to punch any peta assholes in the gut or ask Warrick Dunn to build me a house.  Hopefully Peerless Price is there an we can just chill.  If not, who knows.

Spring Cleaning

On planet earth there is 4 seasons.Summer, which has nice weather no school and Box Car Children Pool Team season.  Fall, which is only good cuz you can watch football and god sent me here during fall. Winter, which has exactly 1 redeeming quality- basketball season (Yes I'm aware thats when christmas is, stop whining,but not all our readers celebrate christmas)And finally my personal favorite, spring. 

Spring is pretty diverse, if you reside in Buffalo like myself it could be 65 and sunny 1 day, and then snowy the next day. In spring you could wear a hoody and jeans, or shorts and a tall T and you would not look like an idiot, unless you wear a navy blue shirt and black shorts which I wasn't aware didn't "match" until yesterday but I slowly digress. Spring also happens to be the start of the baseball season. If your unfamiliar with baseball, it is America's past time. Baseball represents everything that is right about America. Now that Ken Griffey Jr. is once again a Seattle Mariner, your Dead F'in Prez authors as well as a few other stragglers will be going anywhere and everywhere to see this legend. I also like spring's holidays. I'm a modern day Chris Columbus so I always find my easter basket in like .6 seconds, mostly because my mom can't reach any high places in the house so its always under a couch or in the freezer or something. Speaking of holidays and Mini Moms, not only is her favorite holiday in spring, but her birthday is exactly 1 day before it (aka today) Yet another reason why spring is so cool.

I can't really think of any other reasons why I like spring but I'll say that to say this, the birds are chirping, flowers are blooming like my 3rd least favorite cousin Jareds beard and the sun comes out of the closet.

Now that you have fully digested why your enjoying spring its time to get serious.I am facing 40 years- to life in prison. I got a speeding ticket for going 140 in a 30 in North Tonawanda, the cop asked me why I was going so fast and I said "obiously to get the hell out of NT you scumbags" Eventually they sent me some crap about going to court, followed up a few days later with a notification saying my court date changed. Under all this confusion and me being a slacker I was informed I missed court which was friday the 17th. I was also informed in Italy friday the 17th is bad luck, like friday the 13th here. This all makes sense...Italians hate me, the government hates me, North Tonawanda and me have mutual hate. The fact of the matter is its a surprise I made it alive to see saturday the 18th with all the hate out there.

Alot of folks wanna know who i got in the NBA playoffs, I pretty much knew the whole season, its gonna be Nuggets vs Cavaliers. Like Tim Cammaratta once said, if we outscore them were gonna win. It should come down to that in the Finals this season as well.

Respect 1 another,

Gillery

Come back like jordan, wearing the four five

Hello world, it's been so long since I blogged on your head that I almost almost forgot my password.  Anyways, I know you all are wondering, Jim what are you going to do now that your only friend at Pittsburgh Dejuan Blair is leaving you for greener pastures (NBA not PGA).  Well, like all good things, my relationship with the big man must come to an end.  I sure am gonna miss the piggy back rides he gave me to class, and the milkshakes we shared with 2 straws at the Perch, but I'll live.  I mean if I was a 6'6 center with a questionable jump shot, I would have no choice but to enter the draft too.  It's been real Dejuan, its been real.

Recently, I scared Dan (Tom Brady) by staking out in his closet for 15 minutes while he was out of his room.  When he returned, I jumped out, and yelled the scariest thing i could think of... "HEY!"  Needless to say, he was startled.  We shared a good chuckle, and I thought the incident was behind us.  I was wrong.  I was terribly wrong.  Two days later, when I was out of the dorms, and Jon went to grab a snack and left our dorm room open (I swear, I have to do EVERYTHING) Dan made his move.  I returned to the room, and noticed everything was gone, Both our computers, TV, DVD's, Jon's wallet, CANDY (just kidding, that is kept in a secret location where nobody but me can get to).  I looked at Jon with my patented "NO WAY" look.  He too was startled, and upset with himself for leaving the door open, presumably.  After initially blaming Chad, and realizing he had a good alibi, he was with me the whole time, we focused our blame elsewhere.  Dan came into the room, and gave his patented "NO WAY" look, but then reminded me of the time when I scared him.  To answer your questions, yes, it was Dan who stole our stuff!  Talk about the scare of a life time.  After a little coercing, Dan agreed to give our stuff back, but the lesson was learned.  Don't scare Dan unless you are ready for war.

Besides getting scared shitless lately, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to observe my 2009 Seattle Mariners.  If I could sum up these '09 M's in one rap lyric it would be "The last of the best, one world to describe them, spectacular, yes!"  With a gold glove laden outfield, and King, there's no way this team loses more than 100 games this year.  Though I know that it's improbable that the Mariners will win the World Series this year, I find solace in the fact that neither will the Yankees or the $441 million dollars they spent this offseason.  My pick is none other than the Florida Marlins, led by their young arms of Josh Beckett, Dontrelle Willis, and Brad Penny.  With those 3 heading their rotation, there is no way they lose a best of 7 series.  

Last but not least, there has been a lot of speculation that Mike Nelson will bat clean up on the PSAS esquires softball team this summer since he has bulked up, and has a chiseled beach body to rival Paul Walker.  Though his Bod does look exceptionally Hott, we are still batting him at the lead off position, where his exceptional wheels can be best utilized.  Think of him as Alphonso Soriano... on acid.  I'd also like to use this time to send apology cards to Mike for getting his hopes up for the 09 Cuse basketball season, only to find out 3 of their starters are entering the draft.  Don't worry, Harris and Devo will return after realizing they are D-Leaguers, but please, everyone, Mike is the biggest Syracuse fan I know, In fact, he makes Gillery look like a Bandwaggoner, I know Mike is heartbroken about this, so please send your condolences.