Asians

Gilleryandabsalert.blogspot.com is an equal opportunity employer, but we do find asians to be the funniest of all races.  Now i don't have nearly enough time to tell you why asians are the funniest race, but lets just say mostly its because they play sports in a goofy manner.  Don't believe me, ask Bidwell what happened when he tried to play quarterback during a Mitch Murphy game.  Well his hands were too small, and Fisher yanked him early, despite an impressive string of completions.  On Tuesday night I had the good fortune of officiating an intramural basketball between a stellar all white team, and by far the funniest team of all asians I've ever seen in my life.  Now some Asians make for fine basketball players, such as Yao Ming, but Yao Ming also stand 7'6'' so I'm not sure if its his asian genes or height that makes him a formidable low post presence.  I'd say the ladder, but that's just me.  Anyways, these asians did not speak a lick of English, but that did not stop them from getting in my ear about blown calls.  Normally, when a player pleads to an official about missing a call, the official gets fed up with their bickering and either gives them a technical to shut them up, or change their calls to shut them up.  Me on the other hand, I could not get enough of their asian blabbering!  I thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  Getting yelled at by an awful asian basketball player in Japanese/Chinese/Korean is one of the funniest things in the world.  Don't believe me?  Try it.  I started intentionally calling ticky-tack touch fouls on the asian squad just so that they would become irate and yell it me.  I couldn't control my laughter either, it was too much.  The other team was loving it as well, and I always do my best as an official to hit it off with one team.  The best thing about intramural games are that after you call a foul on a player, you must get their name so that you can report the foul to the scorer's table.  Needless to say, I had a tough time reporting most of the names to the table, and the guy working the table just started randomly assigning to fouls to whomever he pleased.  Was it fair?  Maybe, but lets just the asian who wore a Gilbert Arenas Jersey fouled out early in the second half.  His real name was not Hibachi unfortunately, but it did contain numerous vowels and L's, and possibly a few X's, I'm not really sure, they all look the same (the names, not the asians).

On a lighter note, I realized that I am either fat or pregnant.  Now, I don't have to remind you readers about my Abs.  They are immortalized in the name of this website (Abs-alert, as in be very aware of the definition and protuberances that is my abdominal).  Recently, at the gym, where I spent a majority of my week, I did a few core exercises with Dan (Tom Brady) since his shoulder injury prevents him from the heavy lifting that I normally due.  I entertained Dan by pretending I didn't know of any good Abs exercises (I know plenty, all from my Ab coach Melvin Drakeford).  So I tried some of his routines, and lets just say I cramped up like a muscular Georgia Tech basketball player playing at Cameron Indoor for his first time.  I curled up into a little ball on my nice green yoga mat, and did not move for an extended period of time.  It was too painful to raise my hands over my head like I normally due when I get cramps from running.  This was strange, I was pretty sure I was in labor.  Once the pain ceased, I realized that I would not being giving birth to a beautiful baby anytime soon, and that I was actually out of shape.  I had a hard time believing this at first, but then I realized that over the last 2 months, I've drank more beers than I have done crunches.  Normally I like to keep the ratio 2 crunches to every 1 Keystone, but I don't have time to due 60 crunches a day.  Anyways, in honor of lent, I have vowed to get my ratio back to the healthy 2 : 1 proportion that it should be.  

Untitled

This post is really long, so if you dont like long things (el oh el) dont read this, or read some of it then come back after your done taking out the trash and petting your dog. Everyone who loyally follows this blog, Im looking at you Willy Clinton , has this whole idea of Gillery being this happy go lucky child with a thousand watt smile that lights up the room. That is only half true, I do have a thousand watt smile, but I'm a man and I know when and how to get serious. In fact i can have quite the temper, just ask my douche bag of a roommate Mike Maritato, he had hair clippers that weren't plugged in and took them to my hair which is awkwardly long right now. If you've never felt what that is like before imagine a Puerto Rican professional arm wrestler pulling your hairs out 1 by 1. I don't like arm wrestling and I dont mind Puerto Ricans but i still leaned the garbage can up against Mikes door (classic prank) he got garbage all over his lame Nikes but I digress, I'm here to tell you some other things that have been nagging me.

Everyone knows I'm a huge Seattle Mariners fan, so firstly I'd like to say with Griffey back i could care less if they go 0-162 which is possible when your best player is Asian. With the Griffey signing Im not that pissed at the M's right now, but they did let go of Eric O'Flaherty that was a stupid move. Not to mention they didn't pick up anyone good besides God this off season, there gonna be terrible, and people are still never going to understand why I like the Mariners (for the love of christ, its not hard. as a young boy I loved Ken Griffey Jr. when he left I stuck with them, now that hes back I'm clearly thrilled as stated above)

I am also a fan of the Buffalo Bills, they are the herbs that started 5-1 and didnt make the playoffs I was just starting to get over the season when the Bills announced they gave their shitty coach Dick(less) Jauron a 3 year extension. BRILLIANT! Maybe after next years 7-9 finish we'll get the 10th pick in the Draft !!! Clowns. There is 2 reasons I still like the Bills- its fun to tailgate. my dad drinks a 5th of Jameson in 5 minutes just to put with the stink that is the Bills.  I usually just pound like 13 Blue Lights and watch Jimmy man ram(no homo) his 30 of Keystone before Bills games. The other reason I still like the Bills is Marshawn Lynch is on the team. Now I thought I was a fun guy then I partied with Marshawn, dude is crazy. He hit a bitch with his car and left and got a slap on the wrist for it, a $100 fine. Really legal justice? The kid makes millions and  your gonna fine him a Benjamin? Herbs. More recently Marshawn was in a car that smelled like weed with a loaded gun and 4 "marijuana cigarettes" I dont know what they meant by marijuana cigarettes but he probably bought them off Mini Mom. Just as I was about to get pissed about the punter being the best one on the team, I remembered the Bills are probably gonna move to Toronto even though us fans still show up every sunday despite the fact that the Bills haven't been to the playoffs since the Garfield administration

Is it ok to be somewhat excited at the prospect of Ralph Wilson kicking the you know what soon? or does that just mean its T.dot time? F it.

My favorite college team is the Syracuse Orange(men) I could go on for like 45 days about how its embarrasing to be a fan of their football team but I'm already blushing and I hate blushing in front of hot girls, yes I'm hanging out with hot girls as I write this, that just shows how dedicated I am to the blog. The basketball team is disapointing me in Big East play, they lost to Villanova yesterday but they shot 39 3 pointers, so how could I be mad? How happy do you think Andy Rautins is despite the loss? hes got a sweet hair cut, and Boeheim lets them shoot 39 3 pointers these days? Not to mention he just got a shout out on the Dead F'in Prez blog? Things are looking Sunny D (Gillery slang for "bright" or "good") for you Mr. Andy Rautins

The only sport I dont root for the Orange in is gymnastics. Who do you root for then Gill? Shutup and I'll tell you. I'm loyal to the Pitt Panthers, but they have been letting me down like my other favorite sports teams. No I'm not especially upset about the recent loss to Michigan St. I'm pretty pissed that I cant buy a text. Seriously my number is probably still on your dry erase board. Before you give me something like " but Gillery I have a boyfriend !" understand this, unless your boyfriend is Brad Wanamaker theres no way that he's cooler then me. i'll list some of my credentials- I'm a bad boy, I've been taken home by the cops at least 6 times since middle school. I also have a sensitive side, I cried at the end of Beavis & Butthead Do America. I dont mean to brag but my 6 pack... breath taking... I have a camera phone and a mirror if you know what I mean. Also I'm made of money, and if rap worlds taught me anything, I know that ladies are interested in the dead presidents.

Heres what else has recently pissed me right off. The other day at the Gillery house hold were eating a fine meal prepared by Mini Mom, it was Mighty Taco. Of course I'm chillin hard core cuz i pounded 3 Sparks (2 black ones and 1 orange. never the blue, never) before our meal. Bridget my half dumb half awesome sister is texting/eating and Mini Mom is eating trying to tone out the Big L i put on our bitchin' Bose stereo, when all of a sudden Mini Mom recommends that i stop drinking so many sparks...great idea Mrs Michael Phelps! She said something about me always chillin on some Sparks and how Sparks are basically acidic liquid that makes your mouth all orange and that its slowly killing me. All of this is true about Sparks except i had to call out Mini Mom seeing as no matter what I'm slowly dying smell me? Anyway I thought about my life sans Sparks, the thought was something like this. So after dinner I went into my basement and switched on ESPN, Outside the Lines with Bob Ley was on. Yet another thing that pisses me off. I can't take it when ESPN does crap like Outside the lines. Listen ESPN I dont need to know why black kids don't like playing baseball anymore and I really don't care who did steroids (to narrow it down everyone who was good from 1980-2006 besides God)

Now that my blood pressure has risen 100 points(?) I'm going to drink a couple Sparks and ruin Maritatos world

EMERGENCY

I was recently informed by long-time informer and current blog Illustrator Tom Krier, that Michael Vick's house is soon going up for auction, and as he said "We must buy it so we can give it back to him." TK relayed to me that the auction is scheduled for March 2nd (Exactly one month after groundhog's day), and the asking price for the house is 3.2 million dollars. My friends, that is a STEAL. This house contains an indoor science lab, Computer lab, Library, Cafeteria, and Tatoo Parlor. This house MUST be returned to its rightful owner, Mr. Vick. It is our duty as Americans to help Mr. Vick get situated and comfortable in his old home, after a tumultous jail stint. As we all know, Mr. Vick was made an example of by the Court, and was given an ungodly long prison sentence for no apparent reason. We owe it to him to raise enough money so that we can return the house to him.

Our first step is to empty all of the blog follower's savings account into one large "Help Michael get acclimated with the Outside World again" fund. After doing some thinking though, our blog currently only has one follower, Doyle. So Doyle, we need you to steal from your parents and grandparents again, and raise as much cash as you possibly can. Hopefully something in the neighborhood of 500 Grand.

Next, we of course need a fundraiser, or as I like to call it, a FUN-raiser!!! I'd suggest a car wash, but to be honest I don't know nearly enough attractive women for this to be successful. However, I know A TON of hott guyz. So, Hott Guyz Inc. Led of course by the Heartthrob Michael Maritato has offered to volunteer its services for the good cause. If this is anything like their Pro-Choice fundraiser, than we are looking at an easy million dollars. So, with the car wash, and Doyle's larceny and embezzling, we are looking at an easy 1.5 million. Not bad, but we are still only half way there.

Phase 3 of this operation is to steal all of Matt Ryan's cars. Why Matt Ryan? because that asshole has made everyone in Atlanta forget about Michael Vick. Why couldn't he have been like Joey Harrington or Chris Redman, and made Falcon fans long for the days of Vick. This blue-blooded bastard came into the league, and made a name for himself. Total asshole. Luckily for us, my famous name has allowed me to become friends with Nicolas Cage, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese, Ja Rule, Ludacris, Bow wow, and Wade Josiah. All have expertise in cars and stealing cars, with the exception of Wade (juries out right now, as he focuses most of his time perfecting his R&B career). Now, I have no idea how many cars Matt Ryan owns, but He's a young athlete, so gun to my head I'd say 25. Now, if we get face value for these cars, thats another million, maybe 1.5 mill. We'll say 1 for now, and that leaves us with 2.5 million.

The final phase of this operation is to have a bake sale. A bake sale to raise 700,000$ are you nuts? Nope, People are suckers for sweets, especially if the money goes to a good cause. Also, a majority of Bake Sale customers are old folks, and old folks are the main supporters of Michael Vick. They loved the excitement he brought to the football field and the ring, and treat him like their own Grandson. And as you all know, Grandparents excell at spoiling their Grandkids. If we say that the profits from the brownie they are about to buy is going directly into a "Help Michael get acclimated with the outside world again" account, they will pay upwards of 5,000$ for it. We just need to find a girl to make Brownies for us.

Once we have enough money to Buy the house, we hold a big suprise party for Michael. Since I devised the 4 phases, I think its only fair that I get the honor of covering his eyes on the way up to his new, or should I say old lol, house. Then on the count of three, everyone says "Michael You're my hero, I'm so proud of you for toughing it out in jail for an unruly sentence that nobody deserved but since you are celebrity and PETA made a huge deal about it because they are enormous assholes the Court system caved under their pressure and punished you instead of addressing the problem. I'm so happy to see you on the outside world again, Smiling, giggling, and enjoying life, SURPRISE!"

And we all celebrate. Except Robby

Its 4:20 do you know where your Mini Mom is ?

Right here you are about to read the chronicles of my mother, more lovingly referred to as Mini Mom, I told her I was writing a paper about marijuana for english class when I really just wanted to talk about weed with my mom. (Editors Note- Dead F'in Prez does not condone or un condone the use of marijuana or any other hilarious plant)

How old were you when you first smoked weed?

19

Did you get high the first time?

no

Do you think weed should be legalized?

Yes, its like alcohol. You drink for the same reason as you smoke pot.

 

Did you get the “munchies” ?

yes

Were there any drinks or foods you enjoyed most while high?

Sweet things, your not gonna believe the name of this “Screaming Yellow Zonkers” (she described it as a popcorn w/ buttery sweet glaze like cracker jacks)

Did anything negative ever happen?

no

Have you ever operated heavy machinery while blazed?

No

You never drove a car high?

No, never.

What were your favorite places to smoke?

The house I lived in in college (Niagara university)

Did you ever smoke weed with dad? If so how often

Yes, I don’t know… maybe around 50 times

Everything was funnier, right ?

Yeah it was pretty funny

Did you ever get cought smoking marijuana? By parents, cops, etc.

No

What music did you like to listen to under the influence

Wow…well…just about anything. The Doors, Eric Clapton I liked.

Did you like to be around any particular people while high? If so whom?

My friends...Aunt Sharon, Dad, Jimmy Downs

Red Stones

       As you know, I pride myself on being Keystone's biggest fan.  With that being said, I've been living a lie for my entire life.  How can I be their biggest fan if i've only dabbled with Keystone Ice, and NEVER EVEN TRIED A RED KEYSTONE.  Well, I decided I needed to change this, so I made my goal for the entire week to have my first red keystone.  Well, Friday the 13th (so scary, just kidding nothing reminiscent to a horror movie occurred that day) I had my first red one.  After my first sip, my initial thought and words were "Tastes Canadian."  Now I'm sure what that meant.  I'm not a beer connoisseur by any means, and I don't even know how Canadian Beers taste, but that was the first thing that crossed my mind.  Was it a good sign? I don't know, I'm very indifferent towards Canada since they provide me affordable baseball, dynamite field trips, and The Killers, but they are a very goofy country with far too many asians.  Now if the Bills move to Toronto (heaven forbid) I will despise Canada with all my heart, unless of course the Blue Jays sign Griffey (Heaven forbid), and I am forced to love them.   After more sips, I realized something.  I was full.  Now I'm not saying Keystone Lights are watered down by any means, but you can have 43 of them and still polish off a Joey Combo from Moe's (Not Damour's).  This was upsetting since I knew I would be eating pizza later, and presumably a lot of it.  So far, I was disappointed with the Red Stones, maybe since my expectations were higher than (insert celebrity caught smoking weed recently, i.e. Michael Phelps, Josh Howard, Stuart Scott, just kidding) but I was wishing I had my bread and butter Lights with me.  

Just when I thought the Red Stones were worse than Carlos Mencia, I had a Eureka moment.  The Cans are beautiful!!! Granted they lacked Unsmooth Moments, mine in particular, but the Red and Silver provided a great Contrast, and the Keystone Font is the Prettiest thing in Print these days.  I realized I could emulate Jon's genius idea of using a Keystone Light can as his toothbrush holder, while not totally copying him, and most importantly get rid of my Miller Highlife toothbrush holder.

All in all, I would give the red Keystones a B- as their grade.  I would recommend them to anyone who is starving, or in need of a low cost toothbrush companion.  I cannot ever see myself starring at a Blue Stone and a Red Stone and choosing the Red one in the near future, but my Brand Loyalty is very strong, so i may be a poor example.  

On a lighter note, On Noon Saturday March 7th 2009, #1 Uconn plays at Pitt.  If anyone wants to drive to Pittsburgh friday, stay the night, go to the game for under 30$, they are more than welcome.  Under 1 condition, they drive me home following the game.  Now I know what you're thinking "Jim, you sand baggin' son of a bitch, you're using me for a ride back to Buffalo."  To which i reply "Yeah dude, I sure as hell can't take another Greyhound, especially after the midget debacle that occurred a month ago."  So the offer is on the table, a fun Friday night in the Queen City (Pittsburgh), a fun-filled sleep over, we can stay up super late, and wait till Jon falls asleep and tickle him with a feather or whatever crazy stuff Hollywood pushes on us, wake up around 10am, have a lovely breakfast at the Perch, and go see two top 5 teams play their last regular season game.  Incidentally, it's senior night, or should i say senior afternoon lol, and who doesn't want to see that chubby bastard Levance Fields walk out with folks for his last home game?  Following the game, I recommend we grab a quick bite to eat, then play our favorite Sisqo and Nickelback CD's and have a fun 3 1/2 hour ride back to the Queen City (Buffalo)  Let me know if you are interested, my number is 716-597-8870.  Just kidding, that's Robby's number.  But he has my number, so just call him, and he'll give you my number.

Love Always,

James Serena Abbott

GILLERYS day in the life

This is gillery and heres a walk through of my typical day. Much like Jimmys i can't give you all the details but this is still insightful

8:50- Wake up, consider class

8:50:03- Go back to sleep

11:43- Wake up,  thank god for another 24

12:12- Eat my favorite breakfast of bacon and french fries with a sunny D

12-2 Watch sportscenter

2:06- Text jimmy something smart alecky about the NBA

2:13- Goof around with Maritato

"uncle tony danza, uncle tony danza, PIZZA PIZZA DADDIO!!!"

2:45- Let the wild cat I found in the woods out in my dorms, bedlam ensues

3:33- Enter rap world

4:20- Text Butch see what hes up to.....hes at work

5:14- Can't wait til Maritato gets back from basketball

5:30 Maritato gets back from basketball, more bedlam ensues

6-2 a.m. Party

A day in the life

I know what a lot of you are thinking, Jim you're so much more important and famous than me, can you please describe an average day in your life?  The answer of course is no, since my lifestyle would absolutely blow your mind, and there wouldn't be enough time for me to mention all the celebrity cameos that show up on a 24 hour basis.  But, I'll do you all a favor and share with a you a typical day.

Tuesday, February 10th : Still Hung over from Ground Hogs day

9: 55am - Wake up, hit the snooze button

10:20: Roll out of bed, check to see if Jon is still sleeping, he is, Throw on an Abs-alert hoodie and a mean pair of nike sweatpants (No shower necessary)

10:30: Eat a donut, and polish off some cran-grape juice (By far the best juice mixture on the market right now)

10:55- Arrive at my Astronomy class, keep the ipod in until 2 minutes into class because never under any circumstance do you cut off the Killers, especially when they are a performing a very rare Mr. Brightside rendition, found only on Sawdust

12:15- Eat lunch with Tim, as we discuss our upcoming roommate adventures next year.  He decides we need lots of christmas lights and black lights.  We both eat grilled cheese sandwiches

1:00- Take shuttle back to the dorms, The Shuttle gets hijacked

1:10- Arrive at dorms, the hijackers were very understanding folks, and dropped me off since i told them I was in a rush, I was not.

1:20: Step foot in my door, throw my stuff down and turn on ESPN, hear a strange grunting sound from the top bunk.  It is Jon.  He missed his 12pm class, I scold him.

1:30- Watch the A-rod interview for the fourth time, just in case i missed something funny.

2:00- Shower, Do my hair.

2:30- Dentist appointment

3:00- Eat a chicken fries combo from Burger King, mundane to say the least

3:30- Think about how much Erin Andrews let me down last night.....

4:00- Lose to Jon 22-20 in a game of ping pong, in front of his Engineering Friend!!! Totally embarrassing, I shake it off, and only throw a mild temper tantrum since i don't want to make it too awkward for Jon's Friend

4:03- Punch Jon's friend in the ear for making fun of my backhand during critical points (Turns out he didn't say a word, I feel like an asshole)

4:20- You already know

5:00- Go to my management in Complex Environments class, press the Esq. button on chiggy's computer while he plays Jetman.  He is equally upset with me every time i do it.  I think its funnier each time.

6:15- Devour half of a baja chicken submarine sandwich.  Keep the other half for later that night.  Great Foresight

7:30-10:30- Ref some of the finest intramural basketball games in the country.  I blow a blatant shooting foul at the end of the half, but i cash it in when i hear the 10 second yell from the scorer's table.  Shooter confronts me, I tell him to get some orange slices (metaphorically of course).

11:00- Finish the other half of my sub...wow!!!!  Who knew I'd be so hungry this late at night, oh I don't know, maybe me 4 and a half hours ago!!!

12:00- Lose 4 straight games of ping pong to Jon.  Nobody ever loses 4 straight in our rivalry.  It's very uncomfortable in the room.  I make some crazy italian version of easy mac to take my mind off it all.  Like most things italian, this easy mac sucks.  I filled it with water way past the fill line, but it's the Italian aspect that makes it awful, not my lack of a liquid measuring cup.

1:00- Turn on Sportscenter, put on some zubaz, brush my teeth, open the window all the way, crank up the electric blanket, and get ready to enjoy some high quality dreams.  Repeat

Hey How Yall Doin

This is gillery up in the club, first I just wanna say much love to my thousands upon thousands of fans. If it wasnt for all of you I would not be were I am now.

Anyway i really want to tell everyone how myself and Jimmy Abbott attained a perfect undefeated record in Blessed Sacrament Athletics Club (more lovingly known as B.S.A.C or B-SAC) middle school girls basketball. We subbed in for the legendary (see: legendary) coach Rich Abbott, or as I like to call him "Duke", more on Duke at a later date. So all I really remember is Jimmy asked me if I wanted to help coach and i was like, oh indeed. We walked in with confidence and it really rubbed off on the girls, they were running their fav play "pickle" to perfection. With a inside tip from our guys in Vegas, we learned a 2-1-2 zone would be perfect defense to stop 11 year old girls from scoring, now Im not hating on young girls jumper's but did the defense really matter? Anyway at half time me and Jimmy had a decent sized lead so the girls come to the bench patiently waiting for what their substitute coaches had to say. When we realized we had no idea what to say I hollered "Who wants to have some fun!" and Jimmy quoted our classic JV basketball coach/Santa Claus look a like Mike Christman, "Lets shoot!" so after talking some shit to the other team, hitting Sam Larsons little sister with the mouthwash a few times, I drank some water and settled in for the 2nd half. 

As our beat down continued, the other team's coach who, suprise suprise, was a balding middle aged man whom was acting like he had money on the game, came over and informed my P.I.C. (partner in crime) that starters aren't allowed to play with the 2nd teamers and slapped him on the knee. First of all, we had 9 kids on our team, now I'm not a math major but you have to put 5 people in a game, leaving 4 girls on our bench. I suppose he wanted us to play 5 on 4 ? what a dirt ball. I leaned over to Jimmy and mentioned that guy was a hater. We wanted to full court press after the hater incident but our referees Mike Licata and Joe Mogavero informed us we werent allowed to in this league. For the record we dont know Mike or Joe and have never associated with either of them, so don't think we were getting all the calls. The 2nd half seemed to drag on so i decided to make a little small talk with some of my players. One of the girls informed me her real name was Bob and shes from Alaska. I told her good one but you cant bullshit a bullshitter now go get me my beer of choice, she obliged, I made a mental note she'd make a great wife if she wasn't 5 years younger then me and likely friends with Renee.

Soon after the game ended me and Jimbo got dumped with Gatorade and Erin Andrews interviewed us. She gave us some boring crap about how the team played great together and were having fun out there. She then noted the 3 of us would play great together to, with a wink. I looked at her and said thanks Erin but we don't need any more guards on our Gus Macker team. We were then were carried off the court and I just finally got the smell of the BSAC gym out of my clothes.

A formal introduction

I'm embarrassed that this beautiful blog has been on the tidal wave of the world wide web for over 4 days, and been made the homepage by millions without provide you lovely folks with a clear definition of exactly what this blog is.  Well..... Gillery and I had planned to release a book, entitled "Dead F'in Presidents" for Xmas break, but with his habitual caroling (that looks weird as a verb, but i mean singing christmas songs to strangers) and outrageous number of family outings, and my tendency to forget things in Pittsburgh computer labs and spend a majority of my time laying on a couch making small talk to Renee's friends (how weird is that?), this book had some major publication problems.  Also, our editor, brownie went to Disney world.  He enjoyed himself there so much that he emailed his half asian pen-pal Hines Ward, who convinced his entire team to also go to Disney world.  

Anyways, the goal of this blog, or book, depending on how one views it is to inform people about the hijinx, jokes, activities, arts & crafts, and interests that Gill and I experience on a bi-weekly basis.  For instance, over the last week i experienced not only a feel good laundry story, but also a feel good bagel story.  I'd divulge the details, but they would evoke good natured tears from even the most expressionless people (I'm looking at you Gallo).  

A brief story, total I had an earth shattering revelation, and realized it was time for change.  Seeing as I couldn't change my cavalier attitude towards important aspects of my life, I decided I should get a hair cut.  Since i recently paid 18$ for a mushroom cut that I kept for 4 days, I chose to get a free hair cut.  Also, I have a doctor as a roommate, and since hair is the largest human organ, I realized he would make a serviceable barber.  Needless to say, Jon did an above average job, only messing up around the ears since he was too proud to change to scissors, and proceeded to take too much off the left side of my head.  Currently i look like a mix between Kyle McAlarney and Caryl Brunner, or Caryl Brunner with a buzz cut.  

keytsone

As you are aware, i have a large affinity for the delicious, affordable, always smooth beverage known as Keystone Light.  In order to honor their hard work, I've decided to help them out with their "Unsmooth moments" that are on the side of the can.  Unfamiliar? Here's an example of a real Unsmooth moment, "Fell Asleep in her arms, she was still talking."  Quirky, subtle, and dare i say, truly unsmooth.  Now for a few unsmooth moments of my own that i hope earn there way onto a beautiful blue and silver keystone light can.

"Asked if she was pregnant, she recently had a miscarriage"

"Told her she was pretty, she was ugly"

"Met her parents, they were blind"

Time out, while i was writing this, Dan Stein (Tom Brady) walked into my room, barring a RED, thats right, RED keystone can.  Needless to say, he drank it, but he did give it to me as a souvenir, knowing that i have never seen a RED one in person.  

"Bought her a puppy, she's terrible at raising dogs and even worse at raising them to fight"

"Took her to a movie, much like her parents, she too was blind"

"Told her the Penguin joke, she was deaf"

"Gave her your jacket, it was full of candy"

"Read her a story, she hates stories" 

my favorite things

hey kids, this is Gillery here and be that this here blog is 50% mine, im gonna share with you some of my favorite things that get me through the day...I'll try to limit how much Erick Scott gets talked about but i cant make any promises.

My favorite thing about life is the free candy buffet at Topps friendly markets, I can't get into to much detail about it but only people wise beyond their years, wisenheimers, and a-holes know about it.

Another thing I like to do is enter "rap world" which is when I throw on my headphones and indulge in some fine rap music . When in rap world you learn many things you did not before your visit, for example I learned who's world it is (earth world that is, not rap world.....and wait a minute did I just show you where this blog title comes from?!?!) in rap world I also learned lifes not the greatest, and that i could potentially beat Shaq 1 on 1

I would also like to take up space on the internet by saying i absolutely LOVE it when people are pissed off. my father Jim, may he rest in peace, used to go bonkers over hilarious things. Now I've never had to try and provide for a family of 13 or however many brothers and sisters I have, but I know for a fact I would not holler (pardon my french) "fuckin fuck!" when something went wrong. Seriously pops? "fuckin fuck" ???Pepper aka Crinkleton, my beloved pooch, would be on the table licking a stick of butter happy as shit and the only thing he could think of was "fuckin fuck" if you think me and my brother Brian (RIP) didnt have a field day with his catch phrase over the years you couldn't be more wrong. 

I could name alot more of stuff I like but blogging takes forever.

Your Boy, 

Gillery

Fisher vs. Mr. Passman

Greatest Phone Conversation that I have ever heard

            We are at Jared’s cabin in Friendship, New York.  Pat Fisher came up on the second day because he has a fear of pooping in places he is unfamiliar with.   A la the woods.  Patrick does not have any beer.  Patrick really would enjoy some beer.  There is no convenient store within 25 miles.  In the fridge, there are about 10 Budweisers.  They belong to Mr. Passman.  Patrick wants them.  He asks Jared if he could have them, Jared says no.  Pat asks Jared to call his dad and ask him.  Jared obliges, and calls his dad, and his dad says that Pat can have them.  Jared tells Pat to call his dad himself, just to make sure its ok.  Pat agrees, expecting Mr. Passman to say “sure thing Pat, have my beer.”  That brings us to the conversation, since I could only hear Pat’s voice, I will assume the words chosen by Mr. Passman.

Mr. Passman: “Hello”

Pat; “Hi, Mr. Passman, this is Pat Fisher.”

Mr Passman: “Hi Pat”

Pat: “Jared tells me that its okay if I have your beers that are in the fridge?

Mr. Passman: “No”

Pat: “Wait, what?  I thought you talked to Jared, and you said it was ok?”

Mr. Passman: “No”

Pat: “Oh, whoops, sorry, never mind then”

Mr Passman: “Don’t drink my beers”

Pat: “Ok, sorry, I won’t drink them”

Mr. Passman: “Bye Pat”

Pat: “By Mr. Passman”

            Pat went on to drink those beers that night, and proceed to bang pots and pans together and yell at the top of his lungs.  He also turned the vacuum on, and introduced the world to “Fish Dick.”

 

 

kyle is a bastard

10 Reasons Why Kyle Will Never Beat Me in Tennis

10.) Distractions- he has a girlfriend, and if history is any indication, she will be the death of him.

9.) Jarrett – He is so big!  I mean, if he was Mexican he would look identical to Junior Seau

8.) Apparel- He has way too much tennis gear, so he has the very difficult decision of ‘What to wear” before we take the court, whereas my only decision is whether I should drink water or milk as my during game hydrator.  More times than not, water wins out.

7.) Mindset- Beating me in tennis is much like beating me in Madden.  Very easy, except I change every one of my receiver’s routes before the play so it looks like I’m a genius madden player.  Much like I hit seductive forehands down the line from time to time, it just looks like I’m good.  Kyle does not know this however, he thinks I am a good tennis player.

6.) That fateful boxing match in Brownies backyard- I did not see that coming.  Kyle came out swinging so fast and so hard, I actually thought he was going to kill me.  I feared for my life.  From that day on, I have never taken Kyle lightly in anything.

5.) Coaching- Kyle paid some bum who he met on the courts for lessons, and he played at Miller over the winter, and got some decent lessons.  I however, have the greatest coach in the history of tennis, Steve Whelan.

4.) Endurance- Kyle plays and trains for hockey on a daily basis, but I do like 12 push ups a day.

3.) Forehands-Mine is heavy, and dripping in top spin, his is flat and predictable, I’ll let you be the judge.  Incidentally, time for a Mr. Badgely joke.  “What are the two things in life that you never want flat?  Your girlfriend and your jumpshot!”  Not bad Badger, but I must say what about pop? 

2.) Serves- Kyle contorts his body to the point that it’s actually visually painful.  I chose to slice the ball about 25 miles per hour, but there is very little strain on my body.

1.) Intestinal Fortitude- I have NEVER in my life, lost to Kyle in anything.  There is no way that this is true, but I actually truly believe that it is.  The thought of losing to Kyle is too insufferable for me to let happen.  

What it's like to be famous

What it’s like to be famous

             A lot of people having been inquiring lately about what it’s like to be a highly famous distinguished author?  The answer is that it’s exactly like your life, exact completely different in many aspects.  First, I can’t go anywhere without people wanting an autograph.  Its outrageous, every time I take my kids to Chuckie Cheese’s, some asshole fourth graders interrupts my ball pit experience, and demands that I pose for a picture with him, and sign his jersey because his girlfriend is a big fan of me.  I told that asshole to get a life, and I went right back to destroying my 3 year old mixed raced baby in a game full contact basketball.  I knocked his tooth out with an errant elbow, but he just spit the tooth out, and went right back to playing his pesky defense.  It was great to see.  Another thing about being famous is that is crazy is that I get to attend all types of celebrity events.  Recently I attended Ashton Kutcher’s 3^rd annual Driving for Cancer golf tournament.  I mistakenly talked to Kyle Korver for a good 10 minutes, thinking he was Kutcher, it was so embarrassing!!!  Anyways, my foursome was me, Matt Damon, Chris Tucker, and Chris Paul.  It was a scramble tournament, and as you know, I’m weak off the tee, but my long irons and short game are where I make my money.   Tucker was bombing the ball off the tee, and drinking vodka on the rocks like it was his birthday, incidentally it was his birthday, and I forgot to get him a gift, so it was awkward for a little bit but he got over.  We were -4 after 9 holes, and we stopped at the turn to get another expensive beverages.  I bought the guys a round of Keystones, Damon shotgunned his, Chris Paul refused at first, but gave in, and Tucker stuck to his vodka.  By the 14^th hole, our foursome was hammered.  Tucker drove the cart into a lake, and without Jackie Chan to bail him out, I jumped in, and pulled us ashore.  This caused a very loud celebration from the onlookers, and I became even more famous, if that’s even possible.  Anyways we ended up finishing 1^st in the scramble, but no one in our group cured cancer, so I considered it a loss.

Thank yous

Thank You

            There are so many people that I owe a thank you to for helping me become an esteemed author, I am a bit unsure where to start.  Just Kidding, first things first I need to thank Mr. Vick, you’ve been like a father to me.  Also, Uncle Rich, you too (U2) have been like a father to me, more so in a literal sense, while Michael was more of a figurative sense.  I don’t want to start a custody battle between you and Mr. Vick about who has been more of a father, mostly because you are a distinguished esquire like myself, and the courts would most likely make an example out of Mr. Vick again and give him an outrageously lengthy prison sentence for minute crimes.  But I digress.  Also, I’d like to thank the Seattle Mariners for making me hate baseball.  Also, I’d like to thank Keystone Light for sponsoring me, and providing me with the necessary writing materials (pen and paper), and also a low cost delicious always smooth beverage.  I’d also like to thank Serena Williams, Ty and Koy Detmer, Harold Reynols, Mark Wahlberg, Ernie Johnson, Magic Johnson, Anthony Johnson, Johnson and Johnson a Family Company, Paul Boal, Dave Boal, Burklay Boal, Katelyn Boal, and Mrs. Boal, Kid ‘N Play, Tahj Mowry, Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Ben Wallace, Fred Jones, Jermaine O’neal, Drunk man in the stands, Lindsay Hunter, Sean Hunter, Eric Mathews (later episodes when he really peaked), Scott Granditz, Ian Mang, Butch Mang, Mr. Drago, Mr. Arnold, Mr. Arnold, Madame Guyker, Madame Molenda, Madame Brown (in no particular order) Michael Vick, Rashad McCants, Rashada McCants, Stuart Scott, The Great State of Nevada, Bill Gates, Bill Walton, Mr. Browne, Lloyd Car, and of course, the lovely Mrs. Abbott.

 

Dedications

Dedications!!!!

 

            This book is in loving memory to Jimmy Valvano.  I urge you to donate to the Jimmy fund during Jimmy V week, and enjoy some marquee college basketball while you’re at it.  Also, this book was meant to pay homage to the late great Ulysess S. Grant.  Without him, none of this is possible.  This book is not a book however, nor is it a novel.  It is a tribute.  A tribute to one man.  A man who sacrificed his entire livelihood for the betterment of his entire family.  A man who decided that he didn’t own money, fame, fancy cars, and expensive cars, they owned him.  A man who threw out his new life, to focus on a simpler, better life.  A man, who used to own Sundays, but now owns nothing.  Here’s to you Michael, I miss your mobility, arm strength, and will to win.  I’ll see you on the outside soon enough. 

 

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ode to the younger brother

An ode to the Younger Brother

 

            I’m not sure if you have noticed the resurgence of the younger brother lately, so I have decided to put it in essay form so that you the reader can take notice.  In the past, younger brothers used to be doormats for older brothers, and cruel puching bags for the older brother’s friends.  Ladies and gentleman, the tide has turned.  Don’t believe me, well then its up to me to illustrate to you this ongoing trend.  When I say the name “Steve Whelan” what do you think of?  Immediately, the first things that come to mind are esteemed Dunkin Donuts manager, Pond Hockey extraordinaire, serviceable barber, and a man that puts fun ahead of anything.  I bet half of you had already forgot that Steve is the younger brother of Robby!  How could this happen, how could he have stepped out of the shadow of man so laden with poetic eyes, enormous hands, and a hilarious voicemail.  Well the answer is hard work.  Steve skipped school on February 29^th 2008 (the greatest day in American History besides when Michael Vick is pardoned) to play pond hockey with a cast of all seniors.  Mind you Steve was a junior at the time.  Where was Robby that day, the answer is in school like a total bookworm.  Is that not enough for you, how about the time Steve risked his life catching foul ball at a Rochester Red Wings game, well the likes of Jon Dray watched a foul ball land next to him, but was too preoccupied with his Dip-n-dots to make a play for it.  Reasons like that are why Steve has earned the title “Real Whales” and “The Chosen One.”

            Another great testament to the ever-increasing stature of the younger brother is Eli Manning.  Just kidding, he is totally gay.  The real example is Ryan Granditz.  Its damn near impossible to step out of the shadow of your older brother, especially when your older brother weighs on the plus side of 275 pounds.  But Ryan has passed Scott (Pool Man) Granditz’s JV scoring record (presumably, the 08-09 stats weren’t up on espn.com at the time I was writing this) and his record of chest pumping celebrations following big plays.  Just kidding Scott leads the record book by a handsome sum in that category, with Kevin Garnett being a distant 2^nd.  I’ll never forget the day when Ryan Granditz emerged as a leader, and not a mere younger brother.  Ken West JV was down 2 point to a far superiorly coached Niagara Wheatfield (Just kidding Mr. Meetze, just checking to see if you’re paying attention), and Ryan Granditz came off a double pick to hit a game wining three.  I made up the last part because of my poetic justice, and because I’m not sure what happened at the end of the game actually, because it was a JV basketball game over a year ago, and my mind only has enough room to store Scrubs episodes, every wide receivers alma maters, and my Mom’s birthday (January 9^th), but I am sure of one thing, a double pick was set for Ryan Granditz, making him far and large the first option for that in bounds play.

            I’m hard-pressed to come up with a 3^rd example to prove my thesis, but like I did every critical lens essay, I will do an exhaustive search of my long term memory and find another example.  Oh damn, how could I forget!  Connor Brogan!!!  You might not be familiar with his elder frères, Terry and Brennan, but they are dynamite.  Connor has evolved into a defensive terror on the basketball court, and the terror of fathers with cute daughters.  Which brings me to my main point, why private school girls as a whole are far more attractive than public school girls.  Here is my theory, which I’m sure has already been proven and published, but nonetheless, I’m still impressed with myself for coming up with it.  Private schools require a pretty heavy tuition, meaning that the girl must come from an affluent family.  Naturally, men are smarter and more powerful than women, thus the man is the sole source of income for that family, making him a wealthy man.  What do wealthy men like? Sluts!  What type of sluts? Attractive sluts!  Thus, the affluent man wifes (marries) the attractive slut, and produces one of two things.  A boy, or a girl.  The boy becomes a douchebag, and the girl becomes a smokin’ hot babe.  Smokin’ hot babes from wealthy families can’t go to public school, that would be uncivil.  So there you have it folks, the resurgence of the younger brother.

            

Best Screennames

Best Screen Names of All time

            There has been much debate over the years, and it was no doubt very difficult to piece together a proper list, but I feel as if I did a serviceable job.

 

10.)  Holys Ear Less   - Robert Whelan.  This is a very underrated screen name since Robby did not grace AIM with his beautiful eyes as much as many other people, but boy was this a gem.

9.) MyDadIsaMailman6 – Paul Boal – the highly scrutinized Paul may not make the top ten of other lists, but this screen name does a very good job of getting to the point.  His Dad is a Mailman.

8.) Connor72591 – Connor Brogan- I’m happy to put Connor into anything that I create, and this screen name was pure genius.  His name is Connor.  He is a goofball, but you would not know it from this simplistic work of art.

7.)  Drayyyyyyyyyyyyy- Jon Dray – Don’t go crying the politics game because he is my roommate, this is very solid screen name, anyway you cut it.  To save strain on your eyes, there are 13 “Y”s in the screenname, presumably in honor of Dan Marino, his favorite athlete/actor (Ace Ventura).

6.)  iluwudirt – Jared Passman – This one would have flew under the radar had I not gone back to the archives, but that’s the kind of writer I am, very thorough.  Iluwudirt stands for “I Like It When U Do It Right There”, which shows his affinity for Chingy and abbreviating.  Jared changes his screennames like Cammaratta changed girlfriends in middle school, so that is why it is not higher on the list.  Also, Jared tackles me a lot.

5.)  IV3wannabe – Jim Abbott – Hell, I think I deserve it, it rhymes, it’s cute, it’s computer literate, what’s not to like.

4.)  IV3Gonab – Tim Cammaratta – He always One ups me.  This was a bold statement, saying that he was going to be Iverson, when I simply referred to myself as an Iverson want to be.  He also spelled gonna wrong, and took the “E” off of be, showing that he is more computer literate than me.  But boy was it an effective screen name.  I don’t even want to think about the chatrooms that he was in.

3.) TonyBasweetsta009 – Mike Nelson – This was pure genius.  The man showed his love for an old overrated 3^rd baseman in the most simple of ways.  Also, I can only assumed the 009 was his estimated graduation year (2009), which is funny, because he defied the odds and graduated in 2008.

2.)  Juicenotguilty – Ryan Browne – Nobody showed their pleasure with their American Legal system the way Brownie did with his screen name.  Even after the Juice was convicted for robbing a whole bunch of shit, Brownie kept the screen and kept his stance.  Brilliant.

1.) PeleTim – Tim Cammaratta – This was a unanimous selection, there was no competition.  This doesn’t even need an explanation.  Peletim is absolutely priceless.

 

Honorable mentions:  Patshot7- It can be interpreted as Pat shot 7, or Pat’s hot 7

                                    SassyCassie143- She sure is sassy

                                    Dud Do Right 9 – Not bad licata

                                    FireCat 143 – Hilarious Renee

The Big Man

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you Mikhele Roberts.

            A lot of people may be unfamiliar with the self-proclaimed Big man, and for rightful reasons, he sleeps for 19 hours a day, giving you a very small window to meet the fella.  If you can only know one thing about him though, know this, he wore Ugz for an entire winter.  For the male demographic I will explain Ugz.  Ugz’s are those hilariously ugly furry round boots that all the cool girls wear, even though they look ridiculous.  Now imagine Mikhele’s size 15 foot in a fresh pair of Ugz’s, making his way through the Park School Hallways.  That in its own right should be reason enough to make him the Winner of this Butch vs. Mikhele Debate.  Need more reasons, how about the fact that Mikhele gave Robby Whelan (Tall Dark and Handsome for those of you who aren’t that good with names), a cheddar flavored popsicle.  Few people have the audacity to stare into those eyes and give him and notoriously awful popsicle flavor.  And if this isn’t enough for you, Mikhele also has an endless sports competition with Mr. Richard Abbott.  They have competed on the courts of Ping Pong, Squash, Basketball and Golf, each showing no mercy for one another.  If you aren’t fond of this rivalry, Mikhele also raced Renee Abbott (age 7 at the time) in a 100 yard dash.  After Mikhele blew the little girl out of the water, he taunted her in a completely serious, non-sarcastic way.  He later destroyed Renee in a 9 hole match play tournament at Audobon Golf course, and was quite proud of the accomplishment.  Also, he can eat 12 Big macs.

 

Gill's About the author

Thomas Gerry Gillery

 

About the Author,

 

            Thom Hillery hails from 256 Argonne, 2 houses away from the Prince of Kenmore.  He is survived by his mother, Mini-mom, father Jimbowee, brother Bri-Guy, and sisters Lean Bean and Bridgebalidge. (Thom is actually still alive, thank goodness).  He is a 2 time all world Gus Macker runner up, but you wouldn’t know it from his trophy rack (he gives all his second place trophies to Patrick Mang).  He also has a bevy of Sportsmanship awards, which contrast his volatile on the court behavior.  He has a tendency to get T-ed up for bouncing the ball violently, and also has been seen throwing the ball into the wall after Edvin’s dunk.  Not to celebrate the dunk, but rather to show dismay for Edvin, and send the ball as far away from him as possible.  He is rumored to still be having relations with Amy Rumple from cross-country.  Many people thought their reign was over, but when you have such emotional public displays of affections with a person, its tough to forget about them.  Thom had much magic with Amy, but his real magic takes place on brisk Saturday afternoons on Crosby field (or Longfellow depending if the D-bag worker kicks us off the good field).  Here he is an Anquan Boldin clone, showing fearlessness as he goes across the middle and stretches the field.  Much like Anquan Boldin, he had his face broken by Jimmy Abbott (author) in a meaningless defensive drill in basketball practice.  Wouldn’t you know the one time Jim (author) and Thom hustled during a defensive drill, Gillery would dive on the floor, and Jim (author) would dive on his head, forcing his front teeth to pop out, and leaving his smile looking like a waxing crescent? (incidentally, Thom’s favorite moon).  Thom also shares an affinity for Syracuse basketball, seahorses, BCCPT, Gabe Watson, apples, and Miss Geelan.

Here are some memorable moments in Thom’s life.

5.) Wearing a dress to moving up day in 8^th Grade.

4.)  Telling off Mr. Haynes, saying Jamie Gallo should play down low, and he should play the wing, causing Thom to run till the end of practice.

3.)  Creating a stat shirt for Mitch Murphy, but still being able to buy into the team concept, and put the Regulators first.

2.)  That awesome Kid-N-Play handshake that he and Jim (author) had

1.)  Forming the Box Car Children Pool Team