Old Man and the Sea

Recently I finished, what I believed to be, a subpar co-ed intramural soccer season.  We finished a gentleman's 1-5, but took home the Sportsmanship award.  It's not the team's success that I considered a failure, but my personal achievements.  I finished with 1 goal, 4 assists, and I also scored on my own net from about midfield, it was awesome.  I also let in 2 goals during a 3 minute stint in net.  That may look bad, but Doyle is liable to give up 50+ goals during any World Cup session.  Anyways, my problem was that my Irish dancing moves seemed slow and predictable.  There was no zest to them like there is during a mid July Night at Kenny Field.  It could be because I didn't ride my bike to these games, but I don't think that's it.  Anyways, soccer is totally whack, and If GB stopped playing it, it would totally die in the U.S.  

Now I know you all want to call me an asshole because Pitt lost to Nova, but STFU they played really hard!!!  Scotty Reynolds got his Tyus Edney on and that was that.  I didn't even have them winning my bracket either like some real assholes did.  Either way my dude Wanamaker had an ill reverse layup, and as long as he eats I DON'T GIVE A DAMN like Smokey in Friday.  Anyways UNC is too strong for Nova, and will also take care of Uconn, despite A.J. Price's attempts to supplant Danny Green as "That Dude."  

Recently I have discovered a nap that might de-thrown the social nap as the coolest nap on the market.  I like to call it the "Fresh out da shower" nap, in honor of Cam'ron Boice's imfamous facebook picture.  Here's what you do, I'll break it down into three phases.  Wake up from a long night's rest, preferably 8-9 hours, and drag yourself out of bed.  It may be difficult at the time, but trust me it pays dividends.  Phase 2, take a shower.  You can brush your teeth too, it's up to you, but definitely throw on some deodorant.  Phase three, throw on some underpants and a mean pair of sleep shorts, DEFINITELY no shirt, and hop back into bed.  From there on, the duration of your nap is completely in your control, I like to make mine no longer than 20 minutes.  Set the alarm for 10 minutes, and allow yourself 2 snoozes.  You'll wake up feeling invigorated and confused.  After your "Fresh out da shower" nap, you can go to class, take a walk, eat cereal, ride a bike, frolic with the local midget, the list is endless.  Today I chose "Go to class" but tomorrow who knows.  

As you all are well aware, Damour Bailey is STILL single for some strange reason.  I suggest all females out there, as long as you have a "donk" of course to contact him immediately.  His number is 716-207-7437.  Its important that you hurry though, because if you don't, something terrible might happen.  Anyways, call/text/i-p-relay him on his cell phone 716-207-7437, or his home phone 716-909-3919.  My younger sister, Renee (Ruh-nAy) had a once in a life time chance to date Martin Bailey, Damour's younger big brother, with the voice of a 40 year old, and she let it slip.  Don't make the same mistake.

Who Wants to Win a Date with Moe Bailey?

Wow am I glad to see Abbott is back. It was 10 days we were without James Marshall bloggin on our collective heads. I am thinking maybe it took awhile to rest up from the big night he had downtown Buffalo, which was the decision he made instead of chillin with me for the greatest basketball game of all time. I'm not bitter about it just perplexed, I've never seen Fresca or Keystone Light served at such places like Liars and Bottoms Up. I think I speak for anyone when I say it'd be weird to see James Marshall with a Budweiser and to a lesser degree a screwdriver in his hands. Either way next time a game goes 6 overtimes maybe I'll be blessed with Jimmy's presence.

Now for the reason why you are still reading this, yes you could win a date with Damour Bailey. To sign up all you gotta do is e-mail deadfinprez@gmail.com with a list of your credentials. Damour wants me to make you send in a picture please keep it G-rated, you have to remember Damour is a superstar and he's looking for a nice date here not groupy love. Instead of emailing you can easily find Jimmy, myself or Damour on facebook and explain why you should win the date. We are still settling things with VH1, which will broadcast the date live.

If your reading this and don't know Damour let me explain to you why your gonna wanna try and win this date. Obviously Damour is a superior athlete, he was quarterbacking the Ken West Blue Devils since his sophomore year, not even Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow can claim he was a Ken West quarterback! In the winter Damour took his man ways to the hockey team...PSYCH!  Damour played basketball and even played part of his junior year with a cast on, not even NBA legends Michael Jordan or Bill Cartwright ever played with a cast on their shooting arm. In the spring I think he runs track or some BS like that. Aside from his athletic achievements Damour also happens to be a genius, despite him getting 0 out of 50 on a consumer chemistry quiz once (true story) He also has free-styling talent as evidenced when he was free styled about mainly Mighty Taco on the way back from a basketball game. you can download it for 99 cents on itunes its titled "mighty taco freestyle 2007" His other highlights are calling the family car the "bat mobile", having a few Red Hot Chili Peppers songs on his ipod, and showing up to a basketball practice 40 mins late which meant he had to run around the court 80 times (2 laps foreach minute late) coach Jim Badgley's strict all business team rules also included don't get caught drinking (whoops) , ties on game day, and no sex on game days. Although it was not a official team rule he once threatened to make me ride home with the cheerleaders because I was playing like a certain female body part (not knee caps)

Theres been a lot of rumors swirling around about me finally getting a text message from a Pitt gymnast. I wish I could provide you with a answer but I really can't. You see I did get a text message from someone with a Philadelphia area code saying she was a gymnast, but I really have no proof it was her. I can easily see Jimmy trying to trick me, to try and get me to reveal how I spit my game. He would love nothing more then to blog about me saying things such as "your brown eyes make my heart beat reasonably faster" or " I can't wait til I visit Pittsburgh again either my little rookie of the year" Anyhow when i find out if its Jimmy and his crazy friends  I'll obviously blog about the heart break. Oh and no I'm not gonna tell you who she was for the sake of her safety, she could get killed for my phone number or kidnapped and tortured out of pure jealousy.

In conclusion to this blog I'd like everyone who reads this to ask John Haberman what the current room you two are in smells like

Rock On,

Gillery

Cali Boiz

Gillery here, and to quote a young Kevin Durant "I'M BLOGGIN ON YO HEAD" First things first- Thanks to all you fans, your the reason I wake up everyday and stretch, the first stretch of the day feels so good.

Anyway back to business, I'm sure you already read the title of this post "Cali Boiz" well the Cali Boiz are not a surf group, not a group of thugs from Orange County, and they are not a pop-punk band. Well then, just who are these Cali Boiz?!?! they are Butch Mang and Casey Flatau (FLAY-TOE) I'm sure those 2 being referred to as Cali Boiz is baffling, seeing as Butch has Kenmore written all over him (and thats a good thing dammit) As for Casey your probably thinking well he seems like he would like California but hes still your average KenTon scumbag. Well believe it or not Casey and Butch went to California sometime this winter, I dont remember when and I don't really care either. Of Casey's trillions of plans that have fallen through, such as going on a cruise, buying a skateboard, moving in with Losi and Antholzner, and being an X-ray technician I certainly did not see his Cali trip happening, but for the 6th time in my life I was wrong. There were a few reasons they ended up going and I'll share them with you.

1- Mrs. Flatau called Mrs. Mang. The trip would never of happened if this MILF-tastic phone conversation didn't take place. Lets keep in mind these guys were 18 or 19 year old ish and needed their mommys to plan stuff for them.

2-Rob Sozanski. Say what you want about Robert Nestor Sozanski but he is a terrific host. if he wasn't attending Occidental College which is in Cali, I'm quite sure they would not of went and stayed in a hotel or something like that. Not only did Rob put these boys up but he no doubt showed them a good time.

3- California Bill- AB 390

So now that you have your backdrop, let me explain why the Cali Boiz suck. I'm sure you all remember that Butch was already apart of a unstoppable duo with yours truly. While me and Butch are still a force there is no doubt are relationship is strained. We used to go to the mall and try on $350 Polo Ralph Lauren sport coats, throw christmas lights in the street, and maybe sneak a Red Dog or 12 from Mayor Mang. Now I don't even know the last time he was in my basement, where he used to live. Butch drinks apx. 3 liters of Moutain Dew per day. Now if it was baja blast I'd be cool with it, but its just regular old Mtn. Dew. In fact he loves it so much he uses this vehicle to get around

The other half of the Cali Boiz is where things go drastically wrong. I always knew there was something wrong with Casey Flatau from the day I met him. Even with this knowledge I still befriended him, I figured he was doing crazy things that even Steve-O could appreciate, such as beating up an unexpecting kid 3 years younger then him, drinking muddy water that was about 8 inches away from where a kid just threw up, and of course hurling garbage cans down the stairways at school. But that was the fun Casey, now a days Cali Case has a fauxhawk and not the good kind i alluded to in a previous post. He claims that happens naturally when he hops outta the shower but I've personally seen Casey blow dry his hair so I'm not so sure I believe this. Casey dabbled with a bandana last summer, I was sad to report to him that despite Juelz Santana's best efforts, the bandana died with 2pac. Another thing about my friend Casey is he can't stand wearing shoes. I don't know if this is backlash to our culture or a protest against child labor but the other day it was like 279 degrees Kelvin (apx 35 fahrenheit) and Casey had sandals with no socks on. Once again Casey made no sense. I have given Case many opportunities to prove he's not a bigger doucher then Maritato but when he was jamming to the worst song ever I completely gave up. At least Butch and Maritato have a good taste in music

If you see the Cali Boiz walking down the street make sure you throw your garbage at them or at least swear at them. And if you see them stopped at a red light make sure to rev your engine and bump the bass in your car even if you drive a terrible car with barely any speakers because Casey and Butch are both gnarly dudes after all so they'll see this as a challenge, its actually pretty funny.

Enough of the Cali Boiz, me and my colleague James Marshall Abbott want to let you the reader in on a little Facebook prank that we stole from Mark "the Shark" Titus. It's pretty simple were copying whatever Damour Bailey's facebook status is and waiting until he notices. So nobody tell him, and don't worry Damour assured me he would never read this blog via text message because I "dont know shit about shit LOL" Maybe so Damour, but the jokes on you.

Life of the party, always has a good joke,
Gillery

Wake Forest

I hate wake forest.  I hate them with all my heart.  I hate them more than I hate Matt Ryan, piano lessons and undercooked chicken fingers.  I can't put into words how much I hate jeff teague, Al forouq-aminu, and jeff johnson.  Those guys are total assholes.  Who loses to Cleveland st.  Especially when they play the exact same game as you.  They push the tempo and are guard orientated, so why did they beat a superior ACC opponent.  I'll tell you why, because I am never supposed to succeed in anything I do.  Don't believe me, lets take a look.

1.)  I was supposed to be a stellar math student in 6th grade.  They kept me in the advanced math program and insisted that I was a Will Hunting clone.  Now besides the good looks and handsome friend (Gillery and Ben Afleck are quite similar) we have zero similarities.  I did my share of calculus problems throughout the years, and each year i progressively decreased.  It ended up with me scoring a 1 on the AP calculus exam my senior year.  It was the most embarrassing moment of my career barring the time when I had a mushroom cut as a 19 year old.

2.)  I was Pete Sampras junior, all the way from the early signs of balding to the backhand dripping with top spin.  What happened?!!! I'll tell you what happened, it all happened too fast.  Had I had time to develop I would be this century's versions of Chris Brown (In famousness not tennis ability).  Great complexion, Handsome smile, and a penchant to beat the shit out of attractive, famous, females.  In my case, Ashanti instead of Rihanna.  Now I quit tennis because tennis was totally gay.  I realize now that tennis was not gay, but instead a fun sport and an effective way to embarrass Whipple in front of his piers.  Now I know what you're thinking, "Jim, you still bury Kyle everytime you play him, whats the difference?"  The answer is I could bury him so bad that he would never want to play tennis, ping pong, racquetball, squash or badminton ever again.  

3.)  I developed my scatting ability when it was too late.  Now as you all know, I can hold my own with all of the Blue's finest, Charlie "Yardbird" Parker, Louie "Satchmo" Armstrong, and Kyle "To the Cup" Lowry.  The problem is no one wants a 19 year old blue's singer to sing their wedding or bar mitzvah.  They either want a fresh faced 12 year old, or an old and wily 44 year.  As of right now, I am neither.  Thus i will never be able to cash in on my talent the way my predecessors have.

Last but not least, I picked Wake Forest to win the Midwest region and advance to the finals in my bracket.  I know I harped on this before, but it still blows my mind how gay that is.  Why did they have to get blown out by some gutter Cleveland st. du-du heads.  Its so stupid dumb that I don't even think Soulja Boi could make a dance/song about how stupid dumb it is, which is mind-blowing.  I was so mad that I contemplated throwing my cell phone at a cinder block wall multiple times while the Cleveland St. lead was expanding.  Ultimately I suppose I'm glad that I didn't break my cell phone, but if I was to break I wouldn't have been upset with myself.  I would have been upset with Jeff Teague.  He is a total asshole.  I've never cheered for a bigger ass-hole in my life, and I've been a mariner fan for 15 some odd years.  That includes cheering for A-rod, the definition of ass-hole.  I'm sorry Jeff Teague, I'm sure you'll have a splendid NBA career, but I will forever remember you as an asshole who cost me two brackets in 2009.  I will never forgive you, unless of course you are Michael Vick's friend, because as you well know, any friend of Michael Vick is a friend of mine.

Outer Space

First of all, thank you to all our loyal fans. the deadfinprez@gmail.com is so stuffed with e-mails right now! We'll get to those some other time I swear.

 A lot to get to in this post, I'm excited! Today I am feeling very curious, much like George. For some reason I woke up and was thinking about outer space, like where does it end?I realized that earth is only a little guy in the grand scheme of things. Thats when I started getting paranoid and freakin out so I stopped having those deep thoughts.

Walking around school today i got a lot of "Gillery you mick bastard how was your St. Patrick's day?!" Unlike most people I don't really go bonkers on St. Patricks day. It's pretty much just an excuse for people to go out and get hammered, and I'm fine with that, I've been used before. It is weird that everyone partakes in the festivities though, you don't see me celebrating Left-Handers Day. I celebrate being Irish everyday. I do believe Mini Mom was a little jealous of not being Irish, she was draped in her native Argentina flag all day yesterday in some form of protest. Nice try Mini Mom, but maybe you should up the ante next year in your protest. (Ed note- Gillery did get drunk on St.Patricks Day)

Today is Wednesday, I didn't know there was a D in there until recently a close friend explained why there is a D in wednesday. Anywho tomorrow is thursday and more importantly the NCAA basketball tournament starts, if your asking me who I picked to win it all this must be the first time reading Dead F'in Prez. It's clear to me that the Orange are gonna win the tourney because a. Kristof Ongenaet (shown above) and 2. The Scoop & Wes show. Now many of the pundits would say I'm off my rocker, and maybe so, but how many of these so called "experts" pulled off as many Heineken jokes directed at Mr. Drago then me ? Little known fact not only does Sam Drago love the taste of Heineken but when he was a pro actor he starred in a Heineken commercial. Back to why the tourney, SU has a very tough task in the 1st round, they play a college in Texas called Stephen F. Austin just 5 days after his day ( 3/16) If they can do that they will play either Temple or Arizona St. One time me and Jimmy were bored at school and came up with an all-time Temple team. It's really quite the squad, there was legendary point guard Pepe Sanchez, Eddie Jones, Bill Cosby, 2000-01 NBA 6th man of the year Aaron McKie and of course Nehemiah Ingram aka the goon. Now if Syracuse had to step on the court against those Temple Owls there could be trouble, and if Eddie House still played for Arizona St. that would also be a problem. However none of those people will be on the court and I fully expect good things to happen. 

So now that you know my thoughts on outer space, St Patricks day '09 and the 1st round of the NCAA tournament, I want you the reader to go and enjoy the small things that make life great, such as paper cuts, losing your keys, and tripping in public.

Your boy, Gillery

Why you should sleep in a Gazebo

Before you die, there are many places where you should sleep; a bed, Cammaratta's house, Sozanski's basement, the Grand Canyon, a Ramada, the list is endless.  There is one place in particular that I urge you to try out, and that place is a Gazebo.  It does not particularly matter which gazebo, as long as it amish built, sturdy (which of course it will be if it is amish built) and outdoors.  Before you reject this idea as some foolish thought, let me tell you a brief story.

Years ago, two brave men, named James Abbott and Patrick Fisher went gazebo hunting for the first time.  We ventured out into the wild, and set foot on a public gazebo by some Public school, the name escapes me, and I would tell you where it resides but as you all know I am awful with directions.  We took in the natural beauty that the outdoors and gazebo had to offer.  Before we knew it, it was 4 am, and we had spent 5 hours just marveling at the world's most rustic feat of civil engineering.  Due to our success at finding the gazebo, and claiming it for our own enjoyment, we dubbed ourselves "The Gazebo Hunters."  Within a matter of months, the founders (Patrick and myself) realized that we had an absolute stud in our gazebo hunting farm system, and it was time to call him up.  As you all know, that stud was Ryan Browne.  Ryan is the most physically gifted hunter I have ever hunted with, there is no gazebo out of range for this long legged hunter.  Like most youngsters though, the physical tools are usually more developed than the mental tools, evident by the bum hunch he played one night by suggesting we check the Boulevard Mall parking for huntable gazebos (The mall, well aware of our penchant for hunting, moves the gazebos to an unknown location at night).  Anyways, the gang of gazebo hunters gradually grew larger and larger as it turns out Kenmore is a hotbed for some of the nation's finest young hunters.

One brisk summer night, an idea struck the hunters, as we realized, what could be more beautiful and peaceful than spending a night in a gazebo?  The answer of course was a resounding NOTHING.  So, we gathered the troops but something terrible happened, the normally unabashed gazebo hunters got timid.  Fisher, a founder for pete's sake, refused to partake in the activity for fear of being considered a hobo!  Fisher's hatred for hobos is well advertised, but this was no excuse.  Robby, in typical sand baggin' fashion, was super stoked about the idea, and then as crunch time came, backed down.  Corben and Murphy feared of adding more to their records, which at the time consisted of not only dog fighting, loitering, but also a suspect breaking and entering crime which was total horseshit.  For some reason the Real Whales didn't know about it, Danimal was only a freshman at the time so there was no way he could handle it, Dray was M.I.A., Jared was presumably studying or playing catch with Johnny so he was off limits, and Whipple, despite living on Gazebo heaven, is not a real person so he of course could not partake in it.  That left Brownie, TK, and myself.

After a nice escort to the gazebo from Corben, we set up camp.  TK was bickering like a little school girl because he was nervous about getting in trouble, and for some reason he still felt that the idea was stupid.  We ensured that TK that he would not get in trouble (He got in a lot of trouble) and everything was alright.  The floor of the Gazebo felt like a Tempur-pedic mattress, and the high ceiling made us feel like we were in heaven.  Around 2am, we fell asleep, and around 6 am we rose again.  Never in my life had I felt more refreshed.  I could have ran a marathon and wrestled Jarrett Whipple the night before and I still would have felt energized, that's how good the night's sleep was.  What I'm trying to say is this, sleep in a Gazebo the night before the biggest event of your life.  Always.  It is the only way to ensure a sound nights sleep, and a grand old time.

We awoke when a lady let her dog out in the morning, and Brownie and her exchanged looks.  She was no doubt confused about why 3 kids would sleep in a school's gazebo, but she no doubt looked dumb for not inviting us in for breakfast.  She could have had 3 of the finest hunters in WNY in her house, signing autographs and giving pep talks to her kids, but she elected not too.  We proceeding to bike back to my house, where we would eat some waffles and drink some orange juice.  TK got yelled at by his mom for not telling her where he was all night.  For such an established hunter, he sure makes some amateur mistakes.  Me and Brownie on the otherhand, we of course attended the celebratory parade, and poured champagne on white bitches' heads.  

"we like it raw"

So being the terrific child that I am, I decided to get my dad the best b-day gift he has ever received. Now i know your thinking I bought dude a bottle of Jameson but no I got us tickets to the Wednesday games of the Big East tournament in New York City,  Madison Square Garden to be precise. That place is the most circular non-flowered square garden that I have ever been in, but I digress. We went on tuesday and spent the day getting all F'd up at some lame place watching the shitty Big East teams play, betting quarters on what player would score the next basket like me and Nick Cahill used to do at Ken West games before I took my wet jump shot to the varsity team and it was illegal for me to bet on my own games. 

On Wednesday we got up for the noon game which was DePaul vs. Providence. Holy shit that game sucked, physically I was there, but my mind was in a whole other world. Only sometimes did I show any emotion cuz my dad kept cracking me up with his Boston accent quoting Lenoardo DiCaprio's character in the Departed "You fellas come from Providence?...Fuckin delivering cannolis or something?" (ed. note-of course a deep search for this clip was searched for on the internets but no dice) 

The second game was Marquette vs. St. Johns. What do you know another whack ass game, at least the first one was close but this one St.johns had 10 points in the 1st half. Again I rarely showed emotion and it was when my Dad (he's such a bad ass) let out bored frustration hollering "Hey Johnnies this isnt the Big Ten!" After this game we went to some terrible bar and ate food and got like 57 girls digits. 

The 7 o'clock game featured Notre Dame vs. West Virginia. I wasn't extremely interested in this other then Notre Dame has a sweet shooting mick like myself in Kyle McAlarney. My dad was having a riot coming at people from West Virginia. He was also having a good time with Luke Harangody's defense, OR LACK THERE OF.

 After WVU won that contest we put our game faces, it was time for Syracuse vs Seton Hall and dammit if the Gillery's weren't ready then no-one was. We listened to our nation's beautiful anthem The first half had its ups and downs, we laughed, we cried, and were befuddled at times. The second half THINGS GOT HEATED. Of course the Gillerys were ready to throw down. I know the guy next to me in a orange SU hoodie who looked like Raekwon from the Wu Tang Clan was ready as well, of course I'm only guessing but he was grabbing his crotch and yelling "YEAH, WE LIKE IT RAW...WE LIKE IT RAW" After the scuffle Syracuse went on a run and beat down on the Pirates of Seton Hall. Every time cuse made a 3 pointer Raekwon would repeat "WE LIKE IT RAW" I had no choice but to agree.

With our adventure over I'm back in the homeland. I'll never forget the memories and all the fun things we did that we usually don't do at home, such as drink and watch basketball...

On behalf of my padre, my new friend bootleg Raekwon, and the rest of the Big East conference, The Day is Yours,

Gillery

ps- dont forget to email us if you have a question or wanna see me or Jimmys abs.

deadfinprez@gmail.com

pps- What Up Maritato?!

Brooklyn Decker

        Three Days ago me and Brooklyn Decker officially changed our facebook status's to "in an open relationship."  I'm sorry ladies, and gays, but you had your chance.  I would supply a link of the lovely Miss Decker-Abbott, but I somehow know less about the computers than Gillery, which is strange since we always had the same Computer teacher.  Looks like I spent a little more time playing lemonade stand and minesweeper than Thom.  Anyways, I'm not going to bore you with my love life anymore, all you need to know is that me and Brooklyn are happy, and she gladly lost that d-bag Roddick so she could spend more quality time with me.

On a more serious note, I learned that Robby (Tall Dark and Handsome)  was very irritated by the fact that I posted his cell phone number, 716-597-8870 on the blog.  Turns out some goofballs called Robby and left him some silly voicemails.  Anyways, I can't re-iterate this enough, please do not call 716-597-8870.  I don't care if its an emergency, DO NOT call 716-597-8870.  If you would like to reach me and cannot get a hold of me, please call my Emergency Contact Kyle Whipple at 716-909-3919.  There is a very good chance that Kyle will not answer your call because Kyle is not a real person.  He is a human being in the sense of having hands and a torso, but he doesn't handle things the way a real person should.  I.E. he does not talk to adults because he gets too nervous, he threatens people to play him in tennis, and then when it comes time to play he makes up a phony excuse to get out of the match, and he dances when someone falls off a roof onto their heels from a very high distance.  Needless to say, he is a fake human being.  Anyways, since I gave up outgoing calls for Lent, I will not be able to respond to any missed calls.  I'm an idiot.  But much like I haven't gave up my dream of being TK's nanny, I will not give up giving up outgoing calls.

I know many of you are wondering, Jim why do you have a Goatee?  The answer of course is that many of my heros have or have had goatees.  Mr. Badgely, Mark Cuban, Bow Wow (post calvin cambridge era), Jesus, Aristotle, and John Grisham all sported the goatee in their hey-day, with Bow Wow being the exception, He of course was at his best when he won an Oscar for his performance in Like Mike.  Unfortunately, he was just a mild mannered 13 year old at the time, and could not grow the facial hair that he dons as Charlie in the the latest series of Entourage.  Jesus was good always, Badgely's facial hair is rapidly changing so its tough to tell when he is at his peak, Cuban steadily keeps it rocking, and I don't see literary genius John Grisham enough to stay current with goatee status.  Now do I look good with my Goatee?  Of course not, I look like a Grade A asshole.  The problem with it though, is that Brooklyn loves the thing!  She threatened to leave me and take half my money (36$) if I ever shaved it.  That's a problem since she is 3 months pregnant, and if she leaves then my child will be a bastard.  I vowed since the age of 5 to never have a bastard son, And dammit I'm going to make good on that promise, regardless if it makes my chin look awful.  

Beside growing an awful goatee, A lot of great things have occurred in my life.  Recently, I defeated Jon in a piano recital, decided by a panel of judges.  I of course played Sam's Town (abbey road edition) while Jon went with Tupac's Changes.  I stole the show by singing during my performance, and adapting the lyrics to making it relate to my own life (I replaced most of the nouns with "candy").  The Judges were blown away, and by the time Jon was warming up for his performance, the outcome was decided.  Also, I was on TV during the Marquette vs Pitt game on ESPN2 multiple times.  I was able to throw up the double peace signs, the Titleist crew insignia, and wave like an adorable little British girl multiple times.  Don't believe me, ask that dude Licata, he saw my antics.

Goodnight Travel Well, and don't forgot to stop calling 716-597-8870, and start calling 716-909-3919 if you need to get to me.  And email all questions, abs picture requests and hatemail to us at deadfinprez@gmail.com

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I WISH I COULD DO A KICK FLIP !!!!!

Expect some real blogs this weekend

Mikey Maritato

When people think of Mike Maritato they usually think happy thoughts. They consider him a man of class, dignity, and integrity. He has a gorgeous 3 point jump shot that even I was jealous of, and they dont call me Mouthwash for no reason. The ladies all love Mike, I couldn't help but get evnious when girls would learn me and Mikey planned on dorming together they'd be all like "oh my god your dorming with Mike Maritato!?!" Like I wasn't aware that he's a handsome devil or something.  All of these are great things, and when push comes to shove I guess I would write Mikey a letter of recommendation. However I am a contributor to Dead F'in Prez: The Blog, thus I need to show the truth with a un-biased view. So I present to you the real Mike Maritato, Grade A douche bag.

The first thing thats unusual about Mike is his sleeping pattern. He doesn't go to sleep until like 4 a.m. I don't know when this started but I really wish he wouldn't blast his favorite music video that late. But he is a dilligent student(nerd) and always makes his 9 o'clock class. When his classes are over he'll roll up to the dorm toss in a few toaster stroudles and patroles facebook for a potential wife

After these activities he takes a nap from about noon until 6:30 in the evening. You'll note that those are hours most normal people are awake doing things, you will then note that Maritato is a doucher. You may be wondering what I do when he's asleep due to his owl-like sleeping pattern, and you already know.

Mike is known for being well dressed, most people see Mike out on the town lookin fresh in a Polo T, a nice pair of blue jeans and crisp Yankees fitted (we'll get into this loving of the Yanks later) and he caps it off in cold weather with a red North Face(doucher in a North Face how shocking..) let me break down his for real style for you because you don't see him as much as I do, The stylish Mike Maritato really never wears jeans, he mostly goes with a pair of sweatpants a track jacket and a Yankees fitted. Is Mike really all that stylish? You be the judge.

As I mentioned above Mike is a Yankees fan, most Yankees fans are huge a-holes much like Mike. It's gonna be funny when they still finish in 3rd in the AL East even though they spent $161 mill over 7 years for 1 pitcher (CC Sabathia) despite our country not having money or something. Mikey has the biggest man crush on Derek Jeter, who is also a huge d-bag. Mike loves Derek Jeter so much that I get legitimately uncomfortable when Jeters up to bat. Mike and the Yankees are such huge clowns that Mike has the following Yankee hats- the regular navy blue, royal blue, baby blue, orange, green, red, and a All-Star game hat, and I'm informed he has a black one at home. The only person with more Yankees hats is Turtle from Entourage.

Another reason Michael is a doucher is his TV viewing. He LOVES all the VH1 shows. Right now he's enthralled with "I Love Money 2" which is only tolerable because one of the dudes on the show reminds me of Erick Scott. Mike is loving "For the Love of Ray J" where hot girls are competing to date Ray J whom, you guessed it, is a doucher. Mike can't get enough of "Rock of Love" which is basically the same thing as For the Love of Ray J except for white trash. Girls that were former strippers and what not are competing for Bret Michaels. Bret was the singer for the band Poison. Let's put it this way Paul Boal likes Poison. Paul Boal and Bret Michaels are such big douche bags that I'm getting sick just thinking about them, and Maritato loves both of those guys.

What is most disappointing about Mike is he started off so promising. I met him when I was 8 years old playing for our legendary St.Pauls baseball team. One game I struck out and ended the game, being the young pussy that I was I started crying. The first person to console me was Mike Maritato. We played basketball together in high school and he was no longer a good teammate. He was usually mooning people when Coach Jim Badgley aka a modern John Wooden was trying to make a point. I think this quote from back court mate Mike Licata speaks volumes- "Mike Maritato was the biggest douche I ever played with" the trials and tribulations of life turned Maritatos heart, once made of gold, into pure douche. For the good of his dad Tony, mom Colleen, brother Danny (who is more handsome then Mike and a class act... line up ladies!) and sister Kara and the millions of Dead F'in Prez fans, I will try to fix Mike.