kyle is a bastard

10 Reasons Why Kyle Will Never Beat Me in Tennis

10.) Distractions- he has a girlfriend, and if history is any indication, she will be the death of him.

9.) Jarrett – He is so big!  I mean, if he was Mexican he would look identical to Junior Seau

8.) Apparel- He has way too much tennis gear, so he has the very difficult decision of ‘What to wear” before we take the court, whereas my only decision is whether I should drink water or milk as my during game hydrator.  More times than not, water wins out.

7.) Mindset- Beating me in tennis is much like beating me in Madden.  Very easy, except I change every one of my receiver’s routes before the play so it looks like I’m a genius madden player.  Much like I hit seductive forehands down the line from time to time, it just looks like I’m good.  Kyle does not know this however, he thinks I am a good tennis player.

6.) That fateful boxing match in Brownies backyard- I did not see that coming.  Kyle came out swinging so fast and so hard, I actually thought he was going to kill me.  I feared for my life.  From that day on, I have never taken Kyle lightly in anything.

5.) Coaching- Kyle paid some bum who he met on the courts for lessons, and he played at Miller over the winter, and got some decent lessons.  I however, have the greatest coach in the history of tennis, Steve Whelan.

4.) Endurance- Kyle plays and trains for hockey on a daily basis, but I do like 12 push ups a day.

3.) Forehands-Mine is heavy, and dripping in top spin, his is flat and predictable, I’ll let you be the judge.  Incidentally, time for a Mr. Badgely joke.  “What are the two things in life that you never want flat?  Your girlfriend and your jumpshot!”  Not bad Badger, but I must say what about pop? 

2.) Serves- Kyle contorts his body to the point that it’s actually visually painful.  I chose to slice the ball about 25 miles per hour, but there is very little strain on my body.

1.) Intestinal Fortitude- I have NEVER in my life, lost to Kyle in anything.  There is no way that this is true, but I actually truly believe that it is.  The thought of losing to Kyle is too insufferable for me to let happen.