I usually don't do this

Normally, Jim Abbott doesn't respond to threats, but today I'm going to make an exception.  Gillery picked the wrong time to question my heart with an ultimatum.  I have not blogged in over 2 months it feels like, and it probably has been exactly 2 months since I have been estimating great lately.  Anyways, For Gillery to come at me when I'm down and out, (I just had my wisdom teeth pulled and I haven't had a real meal in 3 days) is unfair.  I know what you all are thinking, "Your fat ass could use a few days of a liquid diet!"  To which I respond with "My abs were recently showing signs of improvement and I was makes strides the all natural way and didn't need an artificial eating disorder to get my washboard back." 

Anyways it has been so long since I delivered my Hemingway-esque pros on this medium that I almost forgot where to start.  Oh that's right, I'M THE KING OF TENNIS AGAIN!!! Not only did Pete Sampras discover that he looks JUST like me, but I discovered the art of carrying a feeble Doubles partner to the trophy altar.  Who did I play doubles with you ask?  Definitely your 14-0 partner Jackson Kocak right?  That guy accents you perfectly, with his galloping backhand and your tidal wave forehand, the tournament would be a breeze.  That's what I said, but Gillery isn't the only proud one who can hold a grudge, I did not ask Jackson since he was sufficiently hung over for our sectionals doubles match last year, costing us the State Title and my chance to FINALLY get noticed by the cheerleaders!!!  Anyways, I went where no man has ever went before, into my ICE contacts, and called my nemesis Kyle Whipple.  After about 24 calls, 14 emails, 10 letters and 3 personal visits, I got a hold of Kyle.  He obliged, and the rest is history.  He even played stellar tennis with and without a goatie... He shaved mid tournament for reasons unknown.  How did I play?  Well despite missing 4 of my favorite teeth for a majority of the tournament, and being on a diet that consisted of 200 calories a day, I was my usual grip it and rip it self.  

I don't want you to think that Gillery forced my hand to write this blog, I did it for you, the reader, because as you know, I do not negotiate with terrorism, and Gillery is a terrorist, always has been.  Despite me being significantly more middle eastern than Gill, he has always been much more of a terrorist than me.  Don't believe me? He totaled his car in an unsuccessful kamakazi mission.  The guy is wild.  Anyways hopefully this blog is sufficient, and Gill and I can get back to what we do best, make folk musiq and cheer on our sorry Mariners.  Goodnight and Goodluck.

Relapse

Hello there, this is Gillery and this is the first time we've seen eachother in months. I don't really owe you an apology but I will apologize for Jimmy being  a big punk lately. The reason for us not making any noise in a while is I vowed to not blog until James Marshall wrote one. His commitment, or lack there of, has made me sick. So while I had all but quit the blog game, something triggered the itch.  Luckily for all of you, I'm having a relapse.

The last time I blogged all over you people I was about to go to visit my bad ass brother Brian in Africa. After visiting Cameroon for 2 weeks, I can honestly say Africa is the second best continent that these eyes have ever seen. Before I went there i was very nervous of what we'd be eating and you'll never believe me but I ate a ton of steak. A lot of peole want to know the best part of Africa was- not only could I order beer at places, they give you a huge bottle of beer. They were almost as big as a 40, it was unreal. Another pleasant suprise about Cameroon was JP Losman is huge there, they love JP and I have no idea why.

If you'd like to know why you aren't getting blog in your eye on Tuesday nights specifically is James Marshall, yours truly, and some close friends are amidst our inaugural PSAS Esquires softball season. We aren't the best team in the league but we by far have the coolest hats.Official New Era fitteds we are looking fresh! And although I've watched Ken Griffey Jr.'s swing around 20 million times, I still am unable to replicate it and it shows in these games. I'd say 90 % of the time I hit in the shortstops area, but thanks to my Freakazoid-like speed and aggressiveness I beat out my share of throws. On offense is not where I make my reputation, I am a stud at second base I snatch up groundballs like I'm playing Hungry Hungry Hippos (Quick side story on Hungry Hungry Hippos. When I was a little Gill, me my siblings and cousins would play it at our grandparents. Our Uncle Dave would play a few games with us and try as hard as he possibly could, curse, carry on drinking, and he even cheated. Uncle Dave is a role model.) Alas the Esquires season is winding down and we fell out of playoff contention, even another gold glove for my defensive prowess doesn't make me feel much better about sitting at home and watching the town of Tonawanda mens softball playoffs.

Let me get back to why I hate Jimmy Abbott. It all started when he ditched me to go downtown on a Thursday night in March. We were supposed to hang out (no homo) for the Syracuse UConn Big East tournament game. I received a text from James apx. 40 minutes before the game that said "I dont think im gonna make it" I wasn't to concerned or upset at the time. I watched the game lonely by myself which may of ended up being for the best. The reason for that is it ended up being the greatest basketball game ever played, I'm not even kidding. There was 6 overtimes and you wanna know what Jimmy was doing? Hitting up downtown B-Lo in his pea-coat, keepin it real at club Pure and the like. I guess thats more important then friendship. Other then being a terrible friend, his party boy ways have clearly gotten in the way of the most serious, important part of his life- this blog. After sitting around for months doing nothing about it, I finally have to set a ultimatum for James Marshall Abbott. Either he write a blog by Friday the 13th (ch-ch, ha-ha) or I'm not driving him to Cleveland on Saturday the 14th. We're going to see the Mariners and if Jimmy doesn't come through, he won't be seeing Ronny Cedeno, who happens to be a clone of Jimmy.

If you read all of this I thank you, it was nice to be back. I'll see all of you on Saturday July 14th at 12:01 to see if James Marshall is offically dead to me, or if he's punched his ticket to Cleveland, Ohio.

Hakuna Matata

Gillery here, blogging in your eye. I'd first like to address a rampant rumor, yes I am going to Africa. Why Africa? I have relatives there, my brother and this girl he married (I forget her name...yikes!) are in the peace corp. I don't really know what they do over there but I'm about to find out. I've never been to Africa but I've seen a ton of Lion King in my prime, so I think we're ready to go.

 I had to go to the doctor and get 4 shots for Africa. FOUR!. They stuck 2 in my arms and 2 in my legs. I'm not saying getting shots hurt but I hate needles. The nurse could see the terror in my eyes when she brought in the needles so she assured me it would be a quick little pinch no pain at all. When she stuck the first needle in my arm I let out a "AAHHHH" the nurse looked at me and I said "I'm just teasing that didn't hurt" she wasn't amused (awkward) When she was sticking more needles in me she apologized for the long wait earlier (I was in the waiting room for at least an hour) because one of the doctors called in sick. I giggled and said "isn't it kind of unacceptable to call in here sick?" once again this lady didn't find me funny, which is rather unusual for a girl not to laugh when I have my shirt off. To top off the long wait, four needles, and the nurse with the strict no laugh policy, they didn't even have lolly-pops (I would of went with orange) plus Mini Mom who also got shots, didn't even take me to Chuck-E-Cheese to make me feel better.

Surviving Africa doesn't end with just a few shots. I start taking malaria pills today. As you all know I don't understand a lot of things (like why do I absolutely love the freecreditreport.com commercials) But heres whats really baffling my huge brain lately, on tube thing my pills are in there is a little sticker that says "Avoid prolonged or excessive exposure to direct and/or artifical sunlight while taking this medication" Am I the only one that sees this as a little ridiculous, I think its going to be a little hard for me to avoid "excessive exposure" to the sun in F'in Africa. It's not even like I was not gonna get burnt over there, considering my skin tone is somewhere in between paper and Jungle Jim Loscutoff. 

I'll be in Africa for two weeks, my return will coincide with the start of Box Car Children Pool Team (BCCPT) season. If you don't know who the BCCPT are maybe Jimmy will write a blog about it. In short we are a dynasty in every sense of the word, our leader Billy Edelin rules with a iron fist, the team chemistry is even better then Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz' was in "What Happens in Vegas" and our skill is purer then Jesus' jumpshot. 

Although I'll be gone I don't think I'll soon be forgotten, and if I am it's only gonna be for two weeks so don't do anything crazy. I will bring you all back gifts, most likely a t shirt that says "My friend wen to Africa and all I got was this Stupid T-Shirt !" but maybe I'll mix it up. Stay thirsty my friends.

Gillery for Super Intendent

My friends, I have been doing some deep thinking about my life and future plans. Other then deciding on a BLT for dinner I have decided to run for Superintendent of the Ken-Ton school district. While I have many things not in my favor to win such as I'm only 19 years old, I have been diagnosed as " very dumb", and I'm skinny... I am instead focusing on what I will do as superintendent

More money invested in school lunch- Although I'm now graduated from Ken West I do miss eating a chicken patty and fries from time to time. I ate that every day for 4 years straight, unless it was taco day (other other thursday) I figured they got the chicken patty and tacos down, but I'd rather lick the floor of a baseball dugout in 9th inning then eat any of the other shit they serve. So I decided were gonna re-do all the cafeterias in Ken Ton and open a Taco Bell, and a Chick-Fil-A.

Strict Drug Policy- I will do away with the D.A.R.E. program that is supposed to keep kids away from drugs. If my students want to fry their brain like their poppa Superintendent Gill, then let them. Hell were even considering setting up a beer vending machine to replace the one machine that never has anything in it besides a few cereal bars. The Coors company is willing to give us a lot of sponsorship deals, so we can get new text books and what not, so I concurred this as a win win.

Immediatley terminate Jim Badgley as Ken West basketball coach- He has all the talent in the world, one time his back court featured me and Jimmy aka blog extrordinares, who does he want Mark "the Shark" Titus (you can google that one) On that same team he had "The Boy Who Never Smiled" as well as Dead F'in Prez' biggest pain the ass Mike Maritato. The only way KW ever does better then 12-8 is if LeBron returns to high school and plays for West. Also Badgley hits his players and one time called me ugly (perhaps he's blind) 

Hire Mr. William Daniels as my assistant- Also known for his role as George Feeny, I think no further explanation is necessary on the subject.

Enforce a strict dress code- In Ken Ton our dress code currently is pretty simple. Don't dress like you work at Rick's Tally-Ho and don't wear any beer T shirts. This will be erased the second I walk into the door as superintendent, from now on all students will be dressed up as their favorite Will Ferrell characterbecause school is a place to learn, not a fashion show.

New curriculum- Theres gonna be a hell of a lot more cartoon watching, and a lot less test taking. The only good thing I ever learned taking tests was how to cheat on them. Through cartoons we can teach the young minds that your only cheating yourself. I see this now that I'm a mature young man and want to share it with the youngans before its to late

So now you see my platform and see how successful the children of Ken Ton are gonna be once Im in office. Theres no doubt in my mind we can finally get Paul Boal out of the Ken Ton school system after about 22 years combined of Paul being at Hoover and Ken West. I also believe I am qualified for the job because I'm one of only a handful of kids to get in school suspension at Ken West as well as Ken East (in summer school) I will also work hand in hand with Kenmore mayor Pat Mang who has been a colleague of mine for quite some time.

Summer To Do List

The other day, I finished school.  It was awesome.  Now that teachers aren't all over me with their stupid rules and stupid assignments, I can finally focus on the important things in life.  I know a lot of people are wondering that since I won't be living with Dr. Jon Dray for 4 months, will I still be able to get the same amount of activities done?  The obvious is answer is a resounding, unequivocal, NO.  I mean we had bunk beds and a PS2, its impossible to recreate that many activities in a 4 month span.  With the place to myself now though, I can finally do the things that I prefer though, like listen to the same classic music song on repeat, watch NBA basketball, and stay up REALLY LATE without getting a dirty look from Jon.  I have high aspirations for this summer seeing as it about twice as long as last summer.  Obviously I would like to do more than 10 things this summer, but if I can't, these would be the 10 things that I would most like to do.

10.) Bury Whipple in tennis in front of all his piers and extended family.  Obviously whenever we play I will bury him, but making sure that all of his aunts and uncles are in attendance are where things get tricky.  Also I don't know who Whipple's piers are, but I will find them.

9.) Have Robby and Tim meet and settle their differences.  It really is getting out of hand, both parties are being stubborn in this quarrel, and like that one scrubs episode, the real winner of this stubborn battle is who can apologize first.  I look forward to see who the winner is.

8.) eat candy

7.) Watch Like Mike

6.) Execute Operation Overall, I'd like to go in to detail her, but me and my confidant cannot give out any more information, but it is going to be glorious.

5.) Get married, It's about time for me to settle down, this wild lifestyle of staying up late and eating ice cream needs to come to an end.

4.) Make sure that whore signs the pre-nup.

3.) Get a Crabtree jersey

2.) Attend Michael Vick's release party on May 20th.  

1.) Attend Michael Vick's release party on May 20th, and not make a scene.  Knowing Vick, this is going to be a BIG party.  I'm assuming performances by Ja Rule for sure, and maybe Celine Dion depending on the acoustics.  Also, the Vick bar is always chalk-full of Stones, I need to know my limit and just enjoy myself.  I don't want to punch any peta assholes in the gut or ask Warrick Dunn to build me a house.  Hopefully Peerless Price is there an we can just chill.  If not, who knows.

Spring Cleaning

On planet earth there is 4 seasons.Summer, which has nice weather no school and Box Car Children Pool Team season.  Fall, which is only good cuz you can watch football and god sent me here during fall. Winter, which has exactly 1 redeeming quality- basketball season (Yes I'm aware thats when christmas is, stop whining,but not all our readers celebrate christmas)And finally my personal favorite, spring. 

Spring is pretty diverse, if you reside in Buffalo like myself it could be 65 and sunny 1 day, and then snowy the next day. In spring you could wear a hoody and jeans, or shorts and a tall T and you would not look like an idiot, unless you wear a navy blue shirt and black shorts which I wasn't aware didn't "match" until yesterday but I slowly digress. Spring also happens to be the start of the baseball season. If your unfamiliar with baseball, it is America's past time. Baseball represents everything that is right about America. Now that Ken Griffey Jr. is once again a Seattle Mariner, your Dead F'in Prez authors as well as a few other stragglers will be going anywhere and everywhere to see this legend. I also like spring's holidays. I'm a modern day Chris Columbus so I always find my easter basket in like .6 seconds, mostly because my mom can't reach any high places in the house so its always under a couch or in the freezer or something. Speaking of holidays and Mini Moms, not only is her favorite holiday in spring, but her birthday is exactly 1 day before it (aka today) Yet another reason why spring is so cool.

I can't really think of any other reasons why I like spring but I'll say that to say this, the birds are chirping, flowers are blooming like my 3rd least favorite cousin Jareds beard and the sun comes out of the closet.

Now that you have fully digested why your enjoying spring its time to get serious.I am facing 40 years- to life in prison. I got a speeding ticket for going 140 in a 30 in North Tonawanda, the cop asked me why I was going so fast and I said "obiously to get the hell out of NT you scumbags" Eventually they sent me some crap about going to court, followed up a few days later with a notification saying my court date changed. Under all this confusion and me being a slacker I was informed I missed court which was friday the 17th. I was also informed in Italy friday the 17th is bad luck, like friday the 13th here. This all makes sense...Italians hate me, the government hates me, North Tonawanda and me have mutual hate. The fact of the matter is its a surprise I made it alive to see saturday the 18th with all the hate out there.

Alot of folks wanna know who i got in the NBA playoffs, I pretty much knew the whole season, its gonna be Nuggets vs Cavaliers. Like Tim Cammaratta once said, if we outscore them were gonna win. It should come down to that in the Finals this season as well.

Respect 1 another,

Gillery

Come back like jordan, wearing the four five

Hello world, it's been so long since I blogged on your head that I almost almost forgot my password.  Anyways, I know you all are wondering, Jim what are you going to do now that your only friend at Pittsburgh Dejuan Blair is leaving you for greener pastures (NBA not PGA).  Well, like all good things, my relationship with the big man must come to an end.  I sure am gonna miss the piggy back rides he gave me to class, and the milkshakes we shared with 2 straws at the Perch, but I'll live.  I mean if I was a 6'6 center with a questionable jump shot, I would have no choice but to enter the draft too.  It's been real Dejuan, its been real.

Recently, I scared Dan (Tom Brady) by staking out in his closet for 15 minutes while he was out of his room.  When he returned, I jumped out, and yelled the scariest thing i could think of... "HEY!"  Needless to say, he was startled.  We shared a good chuckle, and I thought the incident was behind us.  I was wrong.  I was terribly wrong.  Two days later, when I was out of the dorms, and Jon went to grab a snack and left our dorm room open (I swear, I have to do EVERYTHING) Dan made his move.  I returned to the room, and noticed everything was gone, Both our computers, TV, DVD's, Jon's wallet, CANDY (just kidding, that is kept in a secret location where nobody but me can get to).  I looked at Jon with my patented "NO WAY" look.  He too was startled, and upset with himself for leaving the door open, presumably.  After initially blaming Chad, and realizing he had a good alibi, he was with me the whole time, we focused our blame elsewhere.  Dan came into the room, and gave his patented "NO WAY" look, but then reminded me of the time when I scared him.  To answer your questions, yes, it was Dan who stole our stuff!  Talk about the scare of a life time.  After a little coercing, Dan agreed to give our stuff back, but the lesson was learned.  Don't scare Dan unless you are ready for war.

Besides getting scared shitless lately, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to observe my 2009 Seattle Mariners.  If I could sum up these '09 M's in one rap lyric it would be "The last of the best, one world to describe them, spectacular, yes!"  With a gold glove laden outfield, and King, there's no way this team loses more than 100 games this year.  Though I know that it's improbable that the Mariners will win the World Series this year, I find solace in the fact that neither will the Yankees or the $441 million dollars they spent this offseason.  My pick is none other than the Florida Marlins, led by their young arms of Josh Beckett, Dontrelle Willis, and Brad Penny.  With those 3 heading their rotation, there is no way they lose a best of 7 series.  

Last but not least, there has been a lot of speculation that Mike Nelson will bat clean up on the PSAS esquires softball team this summer since he has bulked up, and has a chiseled beach body to rival Paul Walker.  Though his Bod does look exceptionally Hott, we are still batting him at the lead off position, where his exceptional wheels can be best utilized.  Think of him as Alphonso Soriano... on acid.  I'd also like to use this time to send apology cards to Mike for getting his hopes up for the 09 Cuse basketball season, only to find out 3 of their starters are entering the draft.  Don't worry, Harris and Devo will return after realizing they are D-Leaguers, but please, everyone, Mike is the biggest Syracuse fan I know, In fact, he makes Gillery look like a Bandwaggoner, I know Mike is heartbroken about this, so please send your condolences.   

Exclusive Jimmy Abbott Interview

It is my honor to provide to you, my friends, an exclusive 1 on 1 interview with James Marshall Abbott. It was done over the phone on your normal April night in Buffalo...snowy and cold. The weather in Pittsburgh was not provided...........................

Dead F'in Prez(DFP)- State your a/s/l

JMA 19/M/OAKLAND,PA

DFP-Earliest memory?

JMA Probably the 1st time i ever road a bike, age 8. 

DFP-Thoughts on NCAA tournament

JMA One- I won my pool. 2- I love to see Danny Green smile, Danny got his...3 I never wanna look at Wake Forest again.. 4 ESPN hasn't talked about this yet but teams with a white 2 guard all lost..Such as Glasser, Page, Devendorf & Rautins, Duke,Texas with Balbay...BYU there all white, Kansas with Morningstar

DFP-Any good AAU basketball stories?

My favorite stories, I ordered a jersey that was way to small on me...Licata swatting the shit out of Gillery...Licata played a game with his phone in the pocket, one time I hit biggest shot of my career, I thought I tied the game with a big 3 pointer... turns out were still down by 1. Another is we are down 2 Edvin dribbles up gets double teamed, I'm wide open on a wing,instead he puts up a double clutch bank 3 that of course misses.

DFP-Thoughts on Gillery's NBA career

JMA- Short lived, to many cling ons, had to feed to many mouths to feed, the fast life got to you.

DFP-Any good Butch Mang stories?

JMA- Theres alot...I have 2 favorites..He walked into the pool with his cell phone in his pocket, my other is we were at the flee market and Butch saw a table with a bear laying down holding up the glass, and Butch went up and started tickling the bear.

DFP- Who ya got Butch or Mikhele? 

JMA- I try not to compare them, its like picking ice cream or cake, I mean I want them both.

DFP- How would you save the economy

JMA- Thats simple, the answer is simple...You IMMEDIATLEY let Mike Vick back in the NFL. You let Vick back in, he gives us 6 million back in taxes. Selling jerseys and dog toys will get people up and spending loot, thats what they need.

DFP- Thoughts on how working sucks

You gotta wake up early, for one. They don't like it when you do things that you do out of work, at work. Theres not enough jobs that require overalls, you can only wear overalls for certain jobs. A lot of times your not working with Gallo, which stinks.

DFP-Whats been playing on your ipod lately

Great question...I'm a shuffle guy, spontaneous. But recently, trying to finish Maritato's texts with lyrics I've been listening to a lot of 2003 rap... Nelly, the whole Like Mike album. A lot of Ron Artests new stuff is pretty good, little O town when I'm at the gym, before a test when I need to get insightful Soulja Boy... him or Metallica.

DFP- Thoughts on the Scarey movie series

I am pretty opiniated, after 3 they lost integrity and sold out, they had to many cameos when they already had alot of talent with the Wayans brothers.

DFP- I like Jose Lopez, who is your favorite 09 Mariner?

Jarrod Washburn, but Paul (Boal) isn't getting the  baseball package on TV so we can't watch them, which was the only reason I'm friends with Paul.

DFP- Do you have a "Summer of Griffey" plan in place at all?

JMA- Cleveland, Toronto, Detroit, and I'm going to Seattle. I plan on visiting Uncle Rock (ed note- you'll learn who uncle Rock is at a later date)

DFP- Can you believe its been 6 years since our undefeated St.Pauls baseball season?

JMA- We need to have a reunion, a nice BBQ...kill and roast a pig. 

Final Words

Dont do anything unless theres a free T shirt involved, 2 hands on the wheel, work on your left hand, your gonna need it. Sing like no-ones listening, dance like nobodies watching. Love like nobodys loving. You gotta Read to Achieve. Before you die you gotta see Hoobastank live.

Old Man and the Sea

Recently I finished, what I believed to be, a subpar co-ed intramural soccer season.  We finished a gentleman's 1-5, but took home the Sportsmanship award.  It's not the team's success that I considered a failure, but my personal achievements.  I finished with 1 goal, 4 assists, and I also scored on my own net from about midfield, it was awesome.  I also let in 2 goals during a 3 minute stint in net.  That may look bad, but Doyle is liable to give up 50+ goals during any World Cup session.  Anyways, my problem was that my Irish dancing moves seemed slow and predictable.  There was no zest to them like there is during a mid July Night at Kenny Field.  It could be because I didn't ride my bike to these games, but I don't think that's it.  Anyways, soccer is totally whack, and If GB stopped playing it, it would totally die in the U.S.  

Now I know you all want to call me an asshole because Pitt lost to Nova, but STFU they played really hard!!!  Scotty Reynolds got his Tyus Edney on and that was that.  I didn't even have them winning my bracket either like some real assholes did.  Either way my dude Wanamaker had an ill reverse layup, and as long as he eats I DON'T GIVE A DAMN like Smokey in Friday.  Anyways UNC is too strong for Nova, and will also take care of Uconn, despite A.J. Price's attempts to supplant Danny Green as "That Dude."  

Recently I have discovered a nap that might de-thrown the social nap as the coolest nap on the market.  I like to call it the "Fresh out da shower" nap, in honor of Cam'ron Boice's imfamous facebook picture.  Here's what you do, I'll break it down into three phases.  Wake up from a long night's rest, preferably 8-9 hours, and drag yourself out of bed.  It may be difficult at the time, but trust me it pays dividends.  Phase 2, take a shower.  You can brush your teeth too, it's up to you, but definitely throw on some deodorant.  Phase three, throw on some underpants and a mean pair of sleep shorts, DEFINITELY no shirt, and hop back into bed.  From there on, the duration of your nap is completely in your control, I like to make mine no longer than 20 minutes.  Set the alarm for 10 minutes, and allow yourself 2 snoozes.  You'll wake up feeling invigorated and confused.  After your "Fresh out da shower" nap, you can go to class, take a walk, eat cereal, ride a bike, frolic with the local midget, the list is endless.  Today I chose "Go to class" but tomorrow who knows.  

As you all are well aware, Damour Bailey is STILL single for some strange reason.  I suggest all females out there, as long as you have a "donk" of course to contact him immediately.  His number is 716-207-7437.  Its important that you hurry though, because if you don't, something terrible might happen.  Anyways, call/text/i-p-relay him on his cell phone 716-207-7437, or his home phone 716-909-3919.  My younger sister, Renee (Ruh-nAy) had a once in a life time chance to date Martin Bailey, Damour's younger big brother, with the voice of a 40 year old, and she let it slip.  Don't make the same mistake.

Who Wants to Win a Date with Moe Bailey?

Wow am I glad to see Abbott is back. It was 10 days we were without James Marshall bloggin on our collective heads. I am thinking maybe it took awhile to rest up from the big night he had downtown Buffalo, which was the decision he made instead of chillin with me for the greatest basketball game of all time. I'm not bitter about it just perplexed, I've never seen Fresca or Keystone Light served at such places like Liars and Bottoms Up. I think I speak for anyone when I say it'd be weird to see James Marshall with a Budweiser and to a lesser degree a screwdriver in his hands. Either way next time a game goes 6 overtimes maybe I'll be blessed with Jimmy's presence.

Now for the reason why you are still reading this, yes you could win a date with Damour Bailey. To sign up all you gotta do is e-mail deadfinprez@gmail.com with a list of your credentials. Damour wants me to make you send in a picture please keep it G-rated, you have to remember Damour is a superstar and he's looking for a nice date here not groupy love. Instead of emailing you can easily find Jimmy, myself or Damour on facebook and explain why you should win the date. We are still settling things with VH1, which will broadcast the date live.

If your reading this and don't know Damour let me explain to you why your gonna wanna try and win this date. Obviously Damour is a superior athlete, he was quarterbacking the Ken West Blue Devils since his sophomore year, not even Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow can claim he was a Ken West quarterback! In the winter Damour took his man ways to the hockey team...PSYCH!  Damour played basketball and even played part of his junior year with a cast on, not even NBA legends Michael Jordan or Bill Cartwright ever played with a cast on their shooting arm. In the spring I think he runs track or some BS like that. Aside from his athletic achievements Damour also happens to be a genius, despite him getting 0 out of 50 on a consumer chemistry quiz once (true story) He also has free-styling talent as evidenced when he was free styled about mainly Mighty Taco on the way back from a basketball game. you can download it for 99 cents on itunes its titled "mighty taco freestyle 2007" His other highlights are calling the family car the "bat mobile", having a few Red Hot Chili Peppers songs on his ipod, and showing up to a basketball practice 40 mins late which meant he had to run around the court 80 times (2 laps foreach minute late) coach Jim Badgley's strict all business team rules also included don't get caught drinking (whoops) , ties on game day, and no sex on game days. Although it was not a official team rule he once threatened to make me ride home with the cheerleaders because I was playing like a certain female body part (not knee caps)

Theres been a lot of rumors swirling around about me finally getting a text message from a Pitt gymnast. I wish I could provide you with a answer but I really can't. You see I did get a text message from someone with a Philadelphia area code saying she was a gymnast, but I really have no proof it was her. I can easily see Jimmy trying to trick me, to try and get me to reveal how I spit my game. He would love nothing more then to blog about me saying things such as "your brown eyes make my heart beat reasonably faster" or " I can't wait til I visit Pittsburgh again either my little rookie of the year" Anyhow when i find out if its Jimmy and his crazy friends  I'll obviously blog about the heart break. Oh and no I'm not gonna tell you who she was for the sake of her safety, she could get killed for my phone number or kidnapped and tortured out of pure jealousy.

In conclusion to this blog I'd like everyone who reads this to ask John Haberman what the current room you two are in smells like

Rock On,

Gillery

Cali Boiz

Gillery here, and to quote a young Kevin Durant "I'M BLOGGIN ON YO HEAD" First things first- Thanks to all you fans, your the reason I wake up everyday and stretch, the first stretch of the day feels so good.

Anyway back to business, I'm sure you already read the title of this post "Cali Boiz" well the Cali Boiz are not a surf group, not a group of thugs from Orange County, and they are not a pop-punk band. Well then, just who are these Cali Boiz?!?! they are Butch Mang and Casey Flatau (FLAY-TOE) I'm sure those 2 being referred to as Cali Boiz is baffling, seeing as Butch has Kenmore written all over him (and thats a good thing dammit) As for Casey your probably thinking well he seems like he would like California but hes still your average KenTon scumbag. Well believe it or not Casey and Butch went to California sometime this winter, I dont remember when and I don't really care either. Of Casey's trillions of plans that have fallen through, such as going on a cruise, buying a skateboard, moving in with Losi and Antholzner, and being an X-ray technician I certainly did not see his Cali trip happening, but for the 6th time in my life I was wrong. There were a few reasons they ended up going and I'll share them with you.

1- Mrs. Flatau called Mrs. Mang. The trip would never of happened if this MILF-tastic phone conversation didn't take place. Lets keep in mind these guys were 18 or 19 year old ish and needed their mommys to plan stuff for them.

2-Rob Sozanski. Say what you want about Robert Nestor Sozanski but he is a terrific host. if he wasn't attending Occidental College which is in Cali, I'm quite sure they would not of went and stayed in a hotel or something like that. Not only did Rob put these boys up but he no doubt showed them a good time.

3- California Bill- AB 390

So now that you have your backdrop, let me explain why the Cali Boiz suck. I'm sure you all remember that Butch was already apart of a unstoppable duo with yours truly. While me and Butch are still a force there is no doubt are relationship is strained. We used to go to the mall and try on $350 Polo Ralph Lauren sport coats, throw christmas lights in the street, and maybe sneak a Red Dog or 12 from Mayor Mang. Now I don't even know the last time he was in my basement, where he used to live. Butch drinks apx. 3 liters of Moutain Dew per day. Now if it was baja blast I'd be cool with it, but its just regular old Mtn. Dew. In fact he loves it so much he uses this vehicle to get around

The other half of the Cali Boiz is where things go drastically wrong. I always knew there was something wrong with Casey Flatau from the day I met him. Even with this knowledge I still befriended him, I figured he was doing crazy things that even Steve-O could appreciate, such as beating up an unexpecting kid 3 years younger then him, drinking muddy water that was about 8 inches away from where a kid just threw up, and of course hurling garbage cans down the stairways at school. But that was the fun Casey, now a days Cali Case has a fauxhawk and not the good kind i alluded to in a previous post. He claims that happens naturally when he hops outta the shower but I've personally seen Casey blow dry his hair so I'm not so sure I believe this. Casey dabbled with a bandana last summer, I was sad to report to him that despite Juelz Santana's best efforts, the bandana died with 2pac. Another thing about my friend Casey is he can't stand wearing shoes. I don't know if this is backlash to our culture or a protest against child labor but the other day it was like 279 degrees Kelvin (apx 35 fahrenheit) and Casey had sandals with no socks on. Once again Casey made no sense. I have given Case many opportunities to prove he's not a bigger doucher then Maritato but when he was jamming to the worst song ever I completely gave up. At least Butch and Maritato have a good taste in music

If you see the Cali Boiz walking down the street make sure you throw your garbage at them or at least swear at them. And if you see them stopped at a red light make sure to rev your engine and bump the bass in your car even if you drive a terrible car with barely any speakers because Casey and Butch are both gnarly dudes after all so they'll see this as a challenge, its actually pretty funny.

Enough of the Cali Boiz, me and my colleague James Marshall Abbott want to let you the reader in on a little Facebook prank that we stole from Mark "the Shark" Titus. It's pretty simple were copying whatever Damour Bailey's facebook status is and waiting until he notices. So nobody tell him, and don't worry Damour assured me he would never read this blog via text message because I "dont know shit about shit LOL" Maybe so Damour, but the jokes on you.

Life of the party, always has a good joke,
Gillery

Wake Forest

I hate wake forest.  I hate them with all my heart.  I hate them more than I hate Matt Ryan, piano lessons and undercooked chicken fingers.  I can't put into words how much I hate jeff teague, Al forouq-aminu, and jeff johnson.  Those guys are total assholes.  Who loses to Cleveland st.  Especially when they play the exact same game as you.  They push the tempo and are guard orientated, so why did they beat a superior ACC opponent.  I'll tell you why, because I am never supposed to succeed in anything I do.  Don't believe me, lets take a look.

1.)  I was supposed to be a stellar math student in 6th grade.  They kept me in the advanced math program and insisted that I was a Will Hunting clone.  Now besides the good looks and handsome friend (Gillery and Ben Afleck are quite similar) we have zero similarities.  I did my share of calculus problems throughout the years, and each year i progressively decreased.  It ended up with me scoring a 1 on the AP calculus exam my senior year.  It was the most embarrassing moment of my career barring the time when I had a mushroom cut as a 19 year old.

2.)  I was Pete Sampras junior, all the way from the early signs of balding to the backhand dripping with top spin.  What happened?!!! I'll tell you what happened, it all happened too fast.  Had I had time to develop I would be this century's versions of Chris Brown (In famousness not tennis ability).  Great complexion, Handsome smile, and a penchant to beat the shit out of attractive, famous, females.  In my case, Ashanti instead of Rihanna.  Now I quit tennis because tennis was totally gay.  I realize now that tennis was not gay, but instead a fun sport and an effective way to embarrass Whipple in front of his piers.  Now I know what you're thinking, "Jim, you still bury Kyle everytime you play him, whats the difference?"  The answer is I could bury him so bad that he would never want to play tennis, ping pong, racquetball, squash or badminton ever again.  

3.)  I developed my scatting ability when it was too late.  Now as you all know, I can hold my own with all of the Blue's finest, Charlie "Yardbird" Parker, Louie "Satchmo" Armstrong, and Kyle "To the Cup" Lowry.  The problem is no one wants a 19 year old blue's singer to sing their wedding or bar mitzvah.  They either want a fresh faced 12 year old, or an old and wily 44 year.  As of right now, I am neither.  Thus i will never be able to cash in on my talent the way my predecessors have.

Last but not least, I picked Wake Forest to win the Midwest region and advance to the finals in my bracket.  I know I harped on this before, but it still blows my mind how gay that is.  Why did they have to get blown out by some gutter Cleveland st. du-du heads.  Its so stupid dumb that I don't even think Soulja Boi could make a dance/song about how stupid dumb it is, which is mind-blowing.  I was so mad that I contemplated throwing my cell phone at a cinder block wall multiple times while the Cleveland St. lead was expanding.  Ultimately I suppose I'm glad that I didn't break my cell phone, but if I was to break I wouldn't have been upset with myself.  I would have been upset with Jeff Teague.  He is a total asshole.  I've never cheered for a bigger ass-hole in my life, and I've been a mariner fan for 15 some odd years.  That includes cheering for A-rod, the definition of ass-hole.  I'm sorry Jeff Teague, I'm sure you'll have a splendid NBA career, but I will forever remember you as an asshole who cost me two brackets in 2009.  I will never forgive you, unless of course you are Michael Vick's friend, because as you well know, any friend of Michael Vick is a friend of mine.

Outer Space

First of all, thank you to all our loyal fans. the deadfinprez@gmail.com is so stuffed with e-mails right now! We'll get to those some other time I swear.

 A lot to get to in this post, I'm excited! Today I am feeling very curious, much like George. For some reason I woke up and was thinking about outer space, like where does it end?I realized that earth is only a little guy in the grand scheme of things. Thats when I started getting paranoid and freakin out so I stopped having those deep thoughts.

Walking around school today i got a lot of "Gillery you mick bastard how was your St. Patrick's day?!" Unlike most people I don't really go bonkers on St. Patricks day. It's pretty much just an excuse for people to go out and get hammered, and I'm fine with that, I've been used before. It is weird that everyone partakes in the festivities though, you don't see me celebrating Left-Handers Day. I celebrate being Irish everyday. I do believe Mini Mom was a little jealous of not being Irish, she was draped in her native Argentina flag all day yesterday in some form of protest. Nice try Mini Mom, but maybe you should up the ante next year in your protest. (Ed note- Gillery did get drunk on St.Patricks Day)

Today is Wednesday, I didn't know there was a D in there until recently a close friend explained why there is a D in wednesday. Anywho tomorrow is thursday and more importantly the NCAA basketball tournament starts, if your asking me who I picked to win it all this must be the first time reading Dead F'in Prez. It's clear to me that the Orange are gonna win the tourney because a. Kristof Ongenaet (shown above) and 2. The Scoop & Wes show. Now many of the pundits would say I'm off my rocker, and maybe so, but how many of these so called "experts" pulled off as many Heineken jokes directed at Mr. Drago then me ? Little known fact not only does Sam Drago love the taste of Heineken but when he was a pro actor he starred in a Heineken commercial. Back to why the tourney, SU has a very tough task in the 1st round, they play a college in Texas called Stephen F. Austin just 5 days after his day ( 3/16) If they can do that they will play either Temple or Arizona St. One time me and Jimmy were bored at school and came up with an all-time Temple team. It's really quite the squad, there was legendary point guard Pepe Sanchez, Eddie Jones, Bill Cosby, 2000-01 NBA 6th man of the year Aaron McKie and of course Nehemiah Ingram aka the goon. Now if Syracuse had to step on the court against those Temple Owls there could be trouble, and if Eddie House still played for Arizona St. that would also be a problem. However none of those people will be on the court and I fully expect good things to happen. 

So now that you know my thoughts on outer space, St Patricks day '09 and the 1st round of the NCAA tournament, I want you the reader to go and enjoy the small things that make life great, such as paper cuts, losing your keys, and tripping in public.

Your boy, Gillery

Why you should sleep in a Gazebo

Before you die, there are many places where you should sleep; a bed, Cammaratta's house, Sozanski's basement, the Grand Canyon, a Ramada, the list is endless.  There is one place in particular that I urge you to try out, and that place is a Gazebo.  It does not particularly matter which gazebo, as long as it amish built, sturdy (which of course it will be if it is amish built) and outdoors.  Before you reject this idea as some foolish thought, let me tell you a brief story.

Years ago, two brave men, named James Abbott and Patrick Fisher went gazebo hunting for the first time.  We ventured out into the wild, and set foot on a public gazebo by some Public school, the name escapes me, and I would tell you where it resides but as you all know I am awful with directions.  We took in the natural beauty that the outdoors and gazebo had to offer.  Before we knew it, it was 4 am, and we had spent 5 hours just marveling at the world's most rustic feat of civil engineering.  Due to our success at finding the gazebo, and claiming it for our own enjoyment, we dubbed ourselves "The Gazebo Hunters."  Within a matter of months, the founders (Patrick and myself) realized that we had an absolute stud in our gazebo hunting farm system, and it was time to call him up.  As you all know, that stud was Ryan Browne.  Ryan is the most physically gifted hunter I have ever hunted with, there is no gazebo out of range for this long legged hunter.  Like most youngsters though, the physical tools are usually more developed than the mental tools, evident by the bum hunch he played one night by suggesting we check the Boulevard Mall parking for huntable gazebos (The mall, well aware of our penchant for hunting, moves the gazebos to an unknown location at night).  Anyways, the gang of gazebo hunters gradually grew larger and larger as it turns out Kenmore is a hotbed for some of the nation's finest young hunters.

One brisk summer night, an idea struck the hunters, as we realized, what could be more beautiful and peaceful than spending a night in a gazebo?  The answer of course was a resounding NOTHING.  So, we gathered the troops but something terrible happened, the normally unabashed gazebo hunters got timid.  Fisher, a founder for pete's sake, refused to partake in the activity for fear of being considered a hobo!  Fisher's hatred for hobos is well advertised, but this was no excuse.  Robby, in typical sand baggin' fashion, was super stoked about the idea, and then as crunch time came, backed down.  Corben and Murphy feared of adding more to their records, which at the time consisted of not only dog fighting, loitering, but also a suspect breaking and entering crime which was total horseshit.  For some reason the Real Whales didn't know about it, Danimal was only a freshman at the time so there was no way he could handle it, Dray was M.I.A., Jared was presumably studying or playing catch with Johnny so he was off limits, and Whipple, despite living on Gazebo heaven, is not a real person so he of course could not partake in it.  That left Brownie, TK, and myself.

After a nice escort to the gazebo from Corben, we set up camp.  TK was bickering like a little school girl because he was nervous about getting in trouble, and for some reason he still felt that the idea was stupid.  We ensured that TK that he would not get in trouble (He got in a lot of trouble) and everything was alright.  The floor of the Gazebo felt like a Tempur-pedic mattress, and the high ceiling made us feel like we were in heaven.  Around 2am, we fell asleep, and around 6 am we rose again.  Never in my life had I felt more refreshed.  I could have ran a marathon and wrestled Jarrett Whipple the night before and I still would have felt energized, that's how good the night's sleep was.  What I'm trying to say is this, sleep in a Gazebo the night before the biggest event of your life.  Always.  It is the only way to ensure a sound nights sleep, and a grand old time.

We awoke when a lady let her dog out in the morning, and Brownie and her exchanged looks.  She was no doubt confused about why 3 kids would sleep in a school's gazebo, but she no doubt looked dumb for not inviting us in for breakfast.  She could have had 3 of the finest hunters in WNY in her house, signing autographs and giving pep talks to her kids, but she elected not too.  We proceeding to bike back to my house, where we would eat some waffles and drink some orange juice.  TK got yelled at by his mom for not telling her where he was all night.  For such an established hunter, he sure makes some amateur mistakes.  Me and Brownie on the otherhand, we of course attended the celebratory parade, and poured champagne on white bitches' heads.  

"we like it raw"

So being the terrific child that I am, I decided to get my dad the best b-day gift he has ever received. Now i know your thinking I bought dude a bottle of Jameson but no I got us tickets to the Wednesday games of the Big East tournament in New York City,  Madison Square Garden to be precise. That place is the most circular non-flowered square garden that I have ever been in, but I digress. We went on tuesday and spent the day getting all F'd up at some lame place watching the shitty Big East teams play, betting quarters on what player would score the next basket like me and Nick Cahill used to do at Ken West games before I took my wet jump shot to the varsity team and it was illegal for me to bet on my own games. 

On Wednesday we got up for the noon game which was DePaul vs. Providence. Holy shit that game sucked, physically I was there, but my mind was in a whole other world. Only sometimes did I show any emotion cuz my dad kept cracking me up with his Boston accent quoting Lenoardo DiCaprio's character in the Departed "You fellas come from Providence?...Fuckin delivering cannolis or something?" (ed. note-of course a deep search for this clip was searched for on the internets but no dice) 

The second game was Marquette vs. St. Johns. What do you know another whack ass game, at least the first one was close but this one St.johns had 10 points in the 1st half. Again I rarely showed emotion and it was when my Dad (he's such a bad ass) let out bored frustration hollering "Hey Johnnies this isnt the Big Ten!" After this game we went to some terrible bar and ate food and got like 57 girls digits. 

The 7 o'clock game featured Notre Dame vs. West Virginia. I wasn't extremely interested in this other then Notre Dame has a sweet shooting mick like myself in Kyle McAlarney. My dad was having a riot coming at people from West Virginia. He was also having a good time with Luke Harangody's defense, OR LACK THERE OF.

 After WVU won that contest we put our game faces, it was time for Syracuse vs Seton Hall and dammit if the Gillery's weren't ready then no-one was. We listened to our nation's beautiful anthem The first half had its ups and downs, we laughed, we cried, and were befuddled at times. The second half THINGS GOT HEATED. Of course the Gillerys were ready to throw down. I know the guy next to me in a orange SU hoodie who looked like Raekwon from the Wu Tang Clan was ready as well, of course I'm only guessing but he was grabbing his crotch and yelling "YEAH, WE LIKE IT RAW...WE LIKE IT RAW" After the scuffle Syracuse went on a run and beat down on the Pirates of Seton Hall. Every time cuse made a 3 pointer Raekwon would repeat "WE LIKE IT RAW" I had no choice but to agree.

With our adventure over I'm back in the homeland. I'll never forget the memories and all the fun things we did that we usually don't do at home, such as drink and watch basketball...

On behalf of my padre, my new friend bootleg Raekwon, and the rest of the Big East conference, The Day is Yours,

Gillery

ps- dont forget to email us if you have a question or wanna see me or Jimmys abs.

deadfinprez@gmail.com

pps- What Up Maritato?!

Brooklyn Decker

        Three Days ago me and Brooklyn Decker officially changed our facebook status's to "in an open relationship."  I'm sorry ladies, and gays, but you had your chance.  I would supply a link of the lovely Miss Decker-Abbott, but I somehow know less about the computers than Gillery, which is strange since we always had the same Computer teacher.  Looks like I spent a little more time playing lemonade stand and minesweeper than Thom.  Anyways, I'm not going to bore you with my love life anymore, all you need to know is that me and Brooklyn are happy, and she gladly lost that d-bag Roddick so she could spend more quality time with me.

On a more serious note, I learned that Robby (Tall Dark and Handsome)  was very irritated by the fact that I posted his cell phone number, 716-597-8870 on the blog.  Turns out some goofballs called Robby and left him some silly voicemails.  Anyways, I can't re-iterate this enough, please do not call 716-597-8870.  I don't care if its an emergency, DO NOT call 716-597-8870.  If you would like to reach me and cannot get a hold of me, please call my Emergency Contact Kyle Whipple at 716-909-3919.  There is a very good chance that Kyle will not answer your call because Kyle is not a real person.  He is a human being in the sense of having hands and a torso, but he doesn't handle things the way a real person should.  I.E. he does not talk to adults because he gets too nervous, he threatens people to play him in tennis, and then when it comes time to play he makes up a phony excuse to get out of the match, and he dances when someone falls off a roof onto their heels from a very high distance.  Needless to say, he is a fake human being.  Anyways, since I gave up outgoing calls for Lent, I will not be able to respond to any missed calls.  I'm an idiot.  But much like I haven't gave up my dream of being TK's nanny, I will not give up giving up outgoing calls.

I know many of you are wondering, Jim why do you have a Goatee?  The answer of course is that many of my heros have or have had goatees.  Mr. Badgely, Mark Cuban, Bow Wow (post calvin cambridge era), Jesus, Aristotle, and John Grisham all sported the goatee in their hey-day, with Bow Wow being the exception, He of course was at his best when he won an Oscar for his performance in Like Mike.  Unfortunately, he was just a mild mannered 13 year old at the time, and could not grow the facial hair that he dons as Charlie in the the latest series of Entourage.  Jesus was good always, Badgely's facial hair is rapidly changing so its tough to tell when he is at his peak, Cuban steadily keeps it rocking, and I don't see literary genius John Grisham enough to stay current with goatee status.  Now do I look good with my Goatee?  Of course not, I look like a Grade A asshole.  The problem with it though, is that Brooklyn loves the thing!  She threatened to leave me and take half my money (36$) if I ever shaved it.  That's a problem since she is 3 months pregnant, and if she leaves then my child will be a bastard.  I vowed since the age of 5 to never have a bastard son, And dammit I'm going to make good on that promise, regardless if it makes my chin look awful.  

Beside growing an awful goatee, A lot of great things have occurred in my life.  Recently, I defeated Jon in a piano recital, decided by a panel of judges.  I of course played Sam's Town (abbey road edition) while Jon went with Tupac's Changes.  I stole the show by singing during my performance, and adapting the lyrics to making it relate to my own life (I replaced most of the nouns with "candy").  The Judges were blown away, and by the time Jon was warming up for his performance, the outcome was decided.  Also, I was on TV during the Marquette vs Pitt game on ESPN2 multiple times.  I was able to throw up the double peace signs, the Titleist crew insignia, and wave like an adorable little British girl multiple times.  Don't believe me, ask that dude Licata, he saw my antics.

Goodnight Travel Well, and don't forgot to stop calling 716-597-8870, and start calling 716-909-3919 if you need to get to me.  And email all questions, abs picture requests and hatemail to us at deadfinprez@gmail.com

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I WISH I COULD DO A KICK FLIP !!!!!

Expect some real blogs this weekend

Mikey Maritato

When people think of Mike Maritato they usually think happy thoughts. They consider him a man of class, dignity, and integrity. He has a gorgeous 3 point jump shot that even I was jealous of, and they dont call me Mouthwash for no reason. The ladies all love Mike, I couldn't help but get evnious when girls would learn me and Mikey planned on dorming together they'd be all like "oh my god your dorming with Mike Maritato!?!" Like I wasn't aware that he's a handsome devil or something.  All of these are great things, and when push comes to shove I guess I would write Mikey a letter of recommendation. However I am a contributor to Dead F'in Prez: The Blog, thus I need to show the truth with a un-biased view. So I present to you the real Mike Maritato, Grade A douche bag.

The first thing thats unusual about Mike is his sleeping pattern. He doesn't go to sleep until like 4 a.m. I don't know when this started but I really wish he wouldn't blast his favorite music video that late. But he is a dilligent student(nerd) and always makes his 9 o'clock class. When his classes are over he'll roll up to the dorm toss in a few toaster stroudles and patroles facebook for a potential wife

After these activities he takes a nap from about noon until 6:30 in the evening. You'll note that those are hours most normal people are awake doing things, you will then note that Maritato is a doucher. You may be wondering what I do when he's asleep due to his owl-like sleeping pattern, and you already know.

Mike is known for being well dressed, most people see Mike out on the town lookin fresh in a Polo T, a nice pair of blue jeans and crisp Yankees fitted (we'll get into this loving of the Yanks later) and he caps it off in cold weather with a red North Face(doucher in a North Face how shocking..) let me break down his for real style for you because you don't see him as much as I do, The stylish Mike Maritato really never wears jeans, he mostly goes with a pair of sweatpants a track jacket and a Yankees fitted. Is Mike really all that stylish? You be the judge.

As I mentioned above Mike is a Yankees fan, most Yankees fans are huge a-holes much like Mike. It's gonna be funny when they still finish in 3rd in the AL East even though they spent $161 mill over 7 years for 1 pitcher (CC Sabathia) despite our country not having money or something. Mikey has the biggest man crush on Derek Jeter, who is also a huge d-bag. Mike loves Derek Jeter so much that I get legitimately uncomfortable when Jeters up to bat. Mike and the Yankees are such huge clowns that Mike has the following Yankee hats- the regular navy blue, royal blue, baby blue, orange, green, red, and a All-Star game hat, and I'm informed he has a black one at home. The only person with more Yankees hats is Turtle from Entourage.

Another reason Michael is a doucher is his TV viewing. He LOVES all the VH1 shows. Right now he's enthralled with "I Love Money 2" which is only tolerable because one of the dudes on the show reminds me of Erick Scott. Mike is loving "For the Love of Ray J" where hot girls are competing to date Ray J whom, you guessed it, is a doucher. Mike can't get enough of "Rock of Love" which is basically the same thing as For the Love of Ray J except for white trash. Girls that were former strippers and what not are competing for Bret Michaels. Bret was the singer for the band Poison. Let's put it this way Paul Boal likes Poison. Paul Boal and Bret Michaels are such big douche bags that I'm getting sick just thinking about them, and Maritato loves both of those guys.

What is most disappointing about Mike is he started off so promising. I met him when I was 8 years old playing for our legendary St.Pauls baseball team. One game I struck out and ended the game, being the young pussy that I was I started crying. The first person to console me was Mike Maritato. We played basketball together in high school and he was no longer a good teammate. He was usually mooning people when Coach Jim Badgley aka a modern John Wooden was trying to make a point. I think this quote from back court mate Mike Licata speaks volumes- "Mike Maritato was the biggest douche I ever played with" the trials and tribulations of life turned Maritatos heart, once made of gold, into pure douche. For the good of his dad Tony, mom Colleen, brother Danny (who is more handsome then Mike and a class act... line up ladies!) and sister Kara and the millions of Dead F'in Prez fans, I will try to fix Mike.

Asians

Gilleryandabsalert.blogspot.com is an equal opportunity employer, but we do find asians to be the funniest of all races.  Now i don't have nearly enough time to tell you why asians are the funniest race, but lets just say mostly its because they play sports in a goofy manner.  Don't believe me, ask Bidwell what happened when he tried to play quarterback during a Mitch Murphy game.  Well his hands were too small, and Fisher yanked him early, despite an impressive string of completions.  On Tuesday night I had the good fortune of officiating an intramural basketball between a stellar all white team, and by far the funniest team of all asians I've ever seen in my life.  Now some Asians make for fine basketball players, such as Yao Ming, but Yao Ming also stand 7'6'' so I'm not sure if its his asian genes or height that makes him a formidable low post presence.  I'd say the ladder, but that's just me.  Anyways, these asians did not speak a lick of English, but that did not stop them from getting in my ear about blown calls.  Normally, when a player pleads to an official about missing a call, the official gets fed up with their bickering and either gives them a technical to shut them up, or change their calls to shut them up.  Me on the other hand, I could not get enough of their asian blabbering!  I thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  Getting yelled at by an awful asian basketball player in Japanese/Chinese/Korean is one of the funniest things in the world.  Don't believe me?  Try it.  I started intentionally calling ticky-tack touch fouls on the asian squad just so that they would become irate and yell it me.  I couldn't control my laughter either, it was too much.  The other team was loving it as well, and I always do my best as an official to hit it off with one team.  The best thing about intramural games are that after you call a foul on a player, you must get their name so that you can report the foul to the scorer's table.  Needless to say, I had a tough time reporting most of the names to the table, and the guy working the table just started randomly assigning to fouls to whomever he pleased.  Was it fair?  Maybe, but lets just the asian who wore a Gilbert Arenas Jersey fouled out early in the second half.  His real name was not Hibachi unfortunately, but it did contain numerous vowels and L's, and possibly a few X's, I'm not really sure, they all look the same (the names, not the asians).

On a lighter note, I realized that I am either fat or pregnant.  Now, I don't have to remind you readers about my Abs.  They are immortalized in the name of this website (Abs-alert, as in be very aware of the definition and protuberances that is my abdominal).  Recently, at the gym, where I spent a majority of my week, I did a few core exercises with Dan (Tom Brady) since his shoulder injury prevents him from the heavy lifting that I normally due.  I entertained Dan by pretending I didn't know of any good Abs exercises (I know plenty, all from my Ab coach Melvin Drakeford).  So I tried some of his routines, and lets just say I cramped up like a muscular Georgia Tech basketball player playing at Cameron Indoor for his first time.  I curled up into a little ball on my nice green yoga mat, and did not move for an extended period of time.  It was too painful to raise my hands over my head like I normally due when I get cramps from running.  This was strange, I was pretty sure I was in labor.  Once the pain ceased, I realized that I would not being giving birth to a beautiful baby anytime soon, and that I was actually out of shape.  I had a hard time believing this at first, but then I realized that over the last 2 months, I've drank more beers than I have done crunches.  Normally I like to keep the ratio 2 crunches to every 1 Keystone, but I don't have time to due 60 crunches a day.  Anyways, in honor of lent, I have vowed to get my ratio back to the healthy 2 : 1 proportion that it should be.  

Untitled

This post is really long, so if you dont like long things (el oh el) dont read this, or read some of it then come back after your done taking out the trash and petting your dog. Everyone who loyally follows this blog, Im looking at you Willy Clinton , has this whole idea of Gillery being this happy go lucky child with a thousand watt smile that lights up the room. That is only half true, I do have a thousand watt smile, but I'm a man and I know when and how to get serious. In fact i can have quite the temper, just ask my douche bag of a roommate Mike Maritato, he had hair clippers that weren't plugged in and took them to my hair which is awkwardly long right now. If you've never felt what that is like before imagine a Puerto Rican professional arm wrestler pulling your hairs out 1 by 1. I don't like arm wrestling and I dont mind Puerto Ricans but i still leaned the garbage can up against Mikes door (classic prank) he got garbage all over his lame Nikes but I digress, I'm here to tell you some other things that have been nagging me.

Everyone knows I'm a huge Seattle Mariners fan, so firstly I'd like to say with Griffey back i could care less if they go 0-162 which is possible when your best player is Asian. With the Griffey signing Im not that pissed at the M's right now, but they did let go of Eric O'Flaherty that was a stupid move. Not to mention they didn't pick up anyone good besides God this off season, there gonna be terrible, and people are still never going to understand why I like the Mariners (for the love of christ, its not hard. as a young boy I loved Ken Griffey Jr. when he left I stuck with them, now that hes back I'm clearly thrilled as stated above)

I am also a fan of the Buffalo Bills, they are the herbs that started 5-1 and didnt make the playoffs I was just starting to get over the season when the Bills announced they gave their shitty coach Dick(less) Jauron a 3 year extension. BRILLIANT! Maybe after next years 7-9 finish we'll get the 10th pick in the Draft !!! Clowns. There is 2 reasons I still like the Bills- its fun to tailgate. my dad drinks a 5th of Jameson in 5 minutes just to put with the stink that is the Bills.  I usually just pound like 13 Blue Lights and watch Jimmy man ram(no homo) his 30 of Keystone before Bills games. The other reason I still like the Bills is Marshawn Lynch is on the team. Now I thought I was a fun guy then I partied with Marshawn, dude is crazy. He hit a bitch with his car and left and got a slap on the wrist for it, a $100 fine. Really legal justice? The kid makes millions and  your gonna fine him a Benjamin? Herbs. More recently Marshawn was in a car that smelled like weed with a loaded gun and 4 "marijuana cigarettes" I dont know what they meant by marijuana cigarettes but he probably bought them off Mini Mom. Just as I was about to get pissed about the punter being the best one on the team, I remembered the Bills are probably gonna move to Toronto even though us fans still show up every sunday despite the fact that the Bills haven't been to the playoffs since the Garfield administration

Is it ok to be somewhat excited at the prospect of Ralph Wilson kicking the you know what soon? or does that just mean its T.dot time? F it.

My favorite college team is the Syracuse Orange(men) I could go on for like 45 days about how its embarrasing to be a fan of their football team but I'm already blushing and I hate blushing in front of hot girls, yes I'm hanging out with hot girls as I write this, that just shows how dedicated I am to the blog. The basketball team is disapointing me in Big East play, they lost to Villanova yesterday but they shot 39 3 pointers, so how could I be mad? How happy do you think Andy Rautins is despite the loss? hes got a sweet hair cut, and Boeheim lets them shoot 39 3 pointers these days? Not to mention he just got a shout out on the Dead F'in Prez blog? Things are looking Sunny D (Gillery slang for "bright" or "good") for you Mr. Andy Rautins

The only sport I dont root for the Orange in is gymnastics. Who do you root for then Gill? Shutup and I'll tell you. I'm loyal to the Pitt Panthers, but they have been letting me down like my other favorite sports teams. No I'm not especially upset about the recent loss to Michigan St. I'm pretty pissed that I cant buy a text. Seriously my number is probably still on your dry erase board. Before you give me something like " but Gillery I have a boyfriend !" understand this, unless your boyfriend is Brad Wanamaker theres no way that he's cooler then me. i'll list some of my credentials- I'm a bad boy, I've been taken home by the cops at least 6 times since middle school. I also have a sensitive side, I cried at the end of Beavis & Butthead Do America. I dont mean to brag but my 6 pack... breath taking... I have a camera phone and a mirror if you know what I mean. Also I'm made of money, and if rap worlds taught me anything, I know that ladies are interested in the dead presidents.

Heres what else has recently pissed me right off. The other day at the Gillery house hold were eating a fine meal prepared by Mini Mom, it was Mighty Taco. Of course I'm chillin hard core cuz i pounded 3 Sparks (2 black ones and 1 orange. never the blue, never) before our meal. Bridget my half dumb half awesome sister is texting/eating and Mini Mom is eating trying to tone out the Big L i put on our bitchin' Bose stereo, when all of a sudden Mini Mom recommends that i stop drinking so many sparks...great idea Mrs Michael Phelps! She said something about me always chillin on some Sparks and how Sparks are basically acidic liquid that makes your mouth all orange and that its slowly killing me. All of this is true about Sparks except i had to call out Mini Mom seeing as no matter what I'm slowly dying smell me? Anyway I thought about my life sans Sparks, the thought was something like this. So after dinner I went into my basement and switched on ESPN, Outside the Lines with Bob Ley was on. Yet another thing that pisses me off. I can't take it when ESPN does crap like Outside the lines. Listen ESPN I dont need to know why black kids don't like playing baseball anymore and I really don't care who did steroids (to narrow it down everyone who was good from 1980-2006 besides God)

Now that my blood pressure has risen 100 points(?) I'm going to drink a couple Sparks and ruin Maritatos world

EMERGENCY

I was recently informed by long-time informer and current blog Illustrator Tom Krier, that Michael Vick's house is soon going up for auction, and as he said "We must buy it so we can give it back to him." TK relayed to me that the auction is scheduled for March 2nd (Exactly one month after groundhog's day), and the asking price for the house is 3.2 million dollars. My friends, that is a STEAL. This house contains an indoor science lab, Computer lab, Library, Cafeteria, and Tatoo Parlor. This house MUST be returned to its rightful owner, Mr. Vick. It is our duty as Americans to help Mr. Vick get situated and comfortable in his old home, after a tumultous jail stint. As we all know, Mr. Vick was made an example of by the Court, and was given an ungodly long prison sentence for no apparent reason. We owe it to him to raise enough money so that we can return the house to him.

Our first step is to empty all of the blog follower's savings account into one large "Help Michael get acclimated with the Outside World again" fund. After doing some thinking though, our blog currently only has one follower, Doyle. So Doyle, we need you to steal from your parents and grandparents again, and raise as much cash as you possibly can. Hopefully something in the neighborhood of 500 Grand.

Next, we of course need a fundraiser, or as I like to call it, a FUN-raiser!!! I'd suggest a car wash, but to be honest I don't know nearly enough attractive women for this to be successful. However, I know A TON of hott guyz. So, Hott Guyz Inc. Led of course by the Heartthrob Michael Maritato has offered to volunteer its services for the good cause. If this is anything like their Pro-Choice fundraiser, than we are looking at an easy million dollars. So, with the car wash, and Doyle's larceny and embezzling, we are looking at an easy 1.5 million. Not bad, but we are still only half way there.

Phase 3 of this operation is to steal all of Matt Ryan's cars. Why Matt Ryan? because that asshole has made everyone in Atlanta forget about Michael Vick. Why couldn't he have been like Joey Harrington or Chris Redman, and made Falcon fans long for the days of Vick. This blue-blooded bastard came into the league, and made a name for himself. Total asshole. Luckily for us, my famous name has allowed me to become friends with Nicolas Cage, Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Tyrese, Ja Rule, Ludacris, Bow wow, and Wade Josiah. All have expertise in cars and stealing cars, with the exception of Wade (juries out right now, as he focuses most of his time perfecting his R&B career). Now, I have no idea how many cars Matt Ryan owns, but He's a young athlete, so gun to my head I'd say 25. Now, if we get face value for these cars, thats another million, maybe 1.5 mill. We'll say 1 for now, and that leaves us with 2.5 million.

The final phase of this operation is to have a bake sale. A bake sale to raise 700,000$ are you nuts? Nope, People are suckers for sweets, especially if the money goes to a good cause. Also, a majority of Bake Sale customers are old folks, and old folks are the main supporters of Michael Vick. They loved the excitement he brought to the football field and the ring, and treat him like their own Grandson. And as you all know, Grandparents excell at spoiling their Grandkids. If we say that the profits from the brownie they are about to buy is going directly into a "Help Michael get acclimated with the outside world again" account, they will pay upwards of 5,000$ for it. We just need to find a girl to make Brownies for us.

Once we have enough money to Buy the house, we hold a big suprise party for Michael. Since I devised the 4 phases, I think its only fair that I get the honor of covering his eyes on the way up to his new, or should I say old lol, house. Then on the count of three, everyone says "Michael You're my hero, I'm so proud of you for toughing it out in jail for an unruly sentence that nobody deserved but since you are celebrity and PETA made a huge deal about it because they are enormous assholes the Court system caved under their pressure and punished you instead of addressing the problem. I'm so happy to see you on the outside world again, Smiling, giggling, and enjoying life, SURPRISE!"

And we all celebrate. Except Robby

Its 4:20 do you know where your Mini Mom is ?

Right here you are about to read the chronicles of my mother, more lovingly referred to as Mini Mom, I told her I was writing a paper about marijuana for english class when I really just wanted to talk about weed with my mom. (Editors Note- Dead F'in Prez does not condone or un condone the use of marijuana or any other hilarious plant)

How old were you when you first smoked weed?

19

Did you get high the first time?

no

Do you think weed should be legalized?

Yes, its like alcohol. You drink for the same reason as you smoke pot.

 

Did you get the “munchies” ?

yes

Were there any drinks or foods you enjoyed most while high?

Sweet things, your not gonna believe the name of this “Screaming Yellow Zonkers” (she described it as a popcorn w/ buttery sweet glaze like cracker jacks)

Did anything negative ever happen?

no

Have you ever operated heavy machinery while blazed?

No

You never drove a car high?

No, never.

What were your favorite places to smoke?

The house I lived in in college (Niagara university)

Did you ever smoke weed with dad? If so how often

Yes, I don’t know… maybe around 50 times

Everything was funnier, right ?

Yeah it was pretty funny

Did you ever get cought smoking marijuana? By parents, cops, etc.

No

What music did you like to listen to under the influence

Wow…well…just about anything. The Doors, Eric Clapton I liked.

Did you like to be around any particular people while high? If so whom?

My friends...Aunt Sharon, Dad, Jimmy Downs

Red Stones

       As you know, I pride myself on being Keystone's biggest fan.  With that being said, I've been living a lie for my entire life.  How can I be their biggest fan if i've only dabbled with Keystone Ice, and NEVER EVEN TRIED A RED KEYSTONE.  Well, I decided I needed to change this, so I made my goal for the entire week to have my first red keystone.  Well, Friday the 13th (so scary, just kidding nothing reminiscent to a horror movie occurred that day) I had my first red one.  After my first sip, my initial thought and words were "Tastes Canadian."  Now I'm sure what that meant.  I'm not a beer connoisseur by any means, and I don't even know how Canadian Beers taste, but that was the first thing that crossed my mind.  Was it a good sign? I don't know, I'm very indifferent towards Canada since they provide me affordable baseball, dynamite field trips, and The Killers, but they are a very goofy country with far too many asians.  Now if the Bills move to Toronto (heaven forbid) I will despise Canada with all my heart, unless of course the Blue Jays sign Griffey (Heaven forbid), and I am forced to love them.   After more sips, I realized something.  I was full.  Now I'm not saying Keystone Lights are watered down by any means, but you can have 43 of them and still polish off a Joey Combo from Moe's (Not Damour's).  This was upsetting since I knew I would be eating pizza later, and presumably a lot of it.  So far, I was disappointed with the Red Stones, maybe since my expectations were higher than (insert celebrity caught smoking weed recently, i.e. Michael Phelps, Josh Howard, Stuart Scott, just kidding) but I was wishing I had my bread and butter Lights with me.  

Just when I thought the Red Stones were worse than Carlos Mencia, I had a Eureka moment.  The Cans are beautiful!!! Granted they lacked Unsmooth Moments, mine in particular, but the Red and Silver provided a great Contrast, and the Keystone Font is the Prettiest thing in Print these days.  I realized I could emulate Jon's genius idea of using a Keystone Light can as his toothbrush holder, while not totally copying him, and most importantly get rid of my Miller Highlife toothbrush holder.

All in all, I would give the red Keystones a B- as their grade.  I would recommend them to anyone who is starving, or in need of a low cost toothbrush companion.  I cannot ever see myself starring at a Blue Stone and a Red Stone and choosing the Red one in the near future, but my Brand Loyalty is very strong, so i may be a poor example.  

On a lighter note, On Noon Saturday March 7th 2009, #1 Uconn plays at Pitt.  If anyone wants to drive to Pittsburgh friday, stay the night, go to the game for under 30$, they are more than welcome.  Under 1 condition, they drive me home following the game.  Now I know what you're thinking "Jim, you sand baggin' son of a bitch, you're using me for a ride back to Buffalo."  To which i reply "Yeah dude, I sure as hell can't take another Greyhound, especially after the midget debacle that occurred a month ago."  So the offer is on the table, a fun Friday night in the Queen City (Pittsburgh), a fun-filled sleep over, we can stay up super late, and wait till Jon falls asleep and tickle him with a feather or whatever crazy stuff Hollywood pushes on us, wake up around 10am, have a lovely breakfast at the Perch, and go see two top 5 teams play their last regular season game.  Incidentally, it's senior night, or should i say senior afternoon lol, and who doesn't want to see that chubby bastard Levance Fields walk out with folks for his last home game?  Following the game, I recommend we grab a quick bite to eat, then play our favorite Sisqo and Nickelback CD's and have a fun 3 1/2 hour ride back to the Queen City (Buffalo)  Let me know if you are interested, my number is 716-597-8870.  Just kidding, that's Robby's number.  But he has my number, so just call him, and he'll give you my number.

Love Always,

James Serena Abbott

GILLERYS day in the life

This is gillery and heres a walk through of my typical day. Much like Jimmys i can't give you all the details but this is still insightful

8:50- Wake up, consider class

8:50:03- Go back to sleep

11:43- Wake up,  thank god for another 24

12:12- Eat my favorite breakfast of bacon and french fries with a sunny D

12-2 Watch sportscenter

2:06- Text jimmy something smart alecky about the NBA

2:13- Goof around with Maritato

"uncle tony danza, uncle tony danza, PIZZA PIZZA DADDIO!!!"

2:45- Let the wild cat I found in the woods out in my dorms, bedlam ensues

3:33- Enter rap world

4:20- Text Butch see what hes up to.....hes at work

5:14- Can't wait til Maritato gets back from basketball

5:30 Maritato gets back from basketball, more bedlam ensues

6-2 a.m. Party