On a more serious note, I learned that Robby (Tall Dark and Handsome) was very irritated by the fact that I posted his cell phone number, 716-597-8870 on the blog. Turns out some goofballs called Robby and left him some silly voicemails. Anyways, I can't re-iterate this enough, please do not call 716-597-8870. I don't care if its an emergency, DO NOT call 716-597-8870. If you would like to reach me and cannot get a hold of me, please call my Emergency Contact Kyle Whipple at 716-909-3919. There is a very good chance that Kyle will not answer your call because Kyle is not a real person. He is a human being in the sense of having hands and a torso, but he doesn't handle things the way a real person should. I.E. he does not talk to adults because he gets too nervous, he threatens people to play him in tennis, and then when it comes time to play he makes up a phony excuse to get out of the match, and he dances when someone falls off a roof onto their heels from a very high distance. Needless to say, he is a fake human being. Anyways, since I gave up outgoing calls for Lent, I will not be able to respond to any missed calls. I'm an idiot. But much like I haven't gave up my dream of being TK's nanny, I will not give up giving up outgoing calls.
I know many of you are wondering, Jim why do you have a Goatee? The answer of course is that many of my heros have or have had goatees. Mr. Badgely, Mark Cuban, Bow Wow (post calvin cambridge era), Jesus, Aristotle, and John Grisham all sported the goatee in their hey-day, with Bow Wow being the exception, He of course was at his best when he won an Oscar for his performance in Like Mike. Unfortunately, he was just a mild mannered 13 year old at the time, and could not grow the facial hair that he dons as Charlie in the the latest series of Entourage. Jesus was good always, Badgely's facial hair is rapidly changing so its tough to tell when he is at his peak, Cuban steadily keeps it rocking, and I don't see literary genius John Grisham enough to stay current with goatee status. Now do I look good with my Goatee? Of course not, I look like a Grade A asshole. The problem with it though, is that Brooklyn loves the thing! She threatened to leave me and take half my money (36$) if I ever shaved it. That's a problem since she is 3 months pregnant, and if she leaves then my child will be a bastard. I vowed since the age of 5 to never have a bastard son, And dammit I'm going to make good on that promise, regardless if it makes my chin look awful.
Beside growing an awful goatee, A lot of great things have occurred in my life. Recently, I defeated Jon in a piano recital, decided by a panel of judges. I of course played Sam's Town (abbey road edition) while Jon went with Tupac's Changes. I stole the show by singing during my performance, and adapting the lyrics to making it relate to my own life (I replaced most of the nouns with "candy"). The Judges were blown away, and by the time Jon was warming up for his performance, the outcome was decided. Also, I was on TV during the Marquette vs Pitt game on ESPN2 multiple times. I was able to throw up the double peace signs, the Titleist crew insignia, and wave like an adorable little British girl multiple times. Don't believe me, ask that dude Licata, he saw my antics.
Goodnight Travel Well, and don't forgot to stop calling 716-597-8870, and start calling 716-909-3919 if you need to get to me. And email all questions, abs picture requests and hatemail to us at deadfinprez@gmail.com
Yes, i called Robert one day to play a joke or two, seeing that my only impressions of you Buffalo native gentlemen is one of tricksters, jokesters, merry men, and men who have careless catch phrases such as 'if there is any day to/for [insert wacky antic] today is that day. (commenter's note- the legends of the 1000 watt smile is an understatement) So I called as a random fan of this blog, responding to Jim’s request (see Red Stones) for a sleep over, silly times and ride home. The catch being, I didn’t know Jim and Jim didn’t know me, I was simply a man from Cleveland and would be passing through Pittsburgh around that time. I expected a silly reaction such as a previously stated.
ReplyDeleteAu contraire, Robert was very dismissive and sometimes even hostile. I was actually hurt when he told me ‘I could probably stop talking to him now.’ Needless to say I was crushed, I was batting 1.00 with Buffalo studs until he came along. However, days later Jim Abs Alert Gutterball Abbott assured me he was sorry and over reacted. I was skeptical but willing to play it out because like I said, it was all a silly joke. So one night while me and my friends were doing our weekly sleep over in the Pete lobby chilling like a couple crazy kittens (this just happened to be the eve of the cont. of WW3 between the monster we call Blair and that tall funny looking uterus Thabeet) Jim was speaking with Robert on the phone and I was waiting for my moment to speak yet Robert had to run but promised via text message that he would call when he got home. I waited by the phone, broken hearted all night. I reminisce on a friendship that could have been, and still could be… if only that phone would ring.